Dear Emmy Nominees,

You are amazing!

Even though the Golden Globes can't seem to get it right, the Emmys did an admirable job at the unveiling of their nominees this morning.

Biggest highlights are recognition for Jim Parsons for The Big Bang Theory and Kristin Chenoweth for Pushing Daisies. Especially since the latter show was canceled, it'd be sweet as pie if Chenoweth took home the prize.

Nevertheless, there are some snubs that cannot just be overlooked. Cat Deeley deserves to be recognized for her excellent hosting skills on So You Think You Can Dance, even if she is dressed like a rainbow trout tonight. She should easily have taken Heidi Klum's place. Did Project Runway even have a season this year? Cat is easily the best host in the reality competition genre (sorry Phil!).

She could also have the obligatory (and undeserved) nominations for Charlie Sheen, Entourage, or the directing on American Idol. This is a grab bag of TV's absolute worst. If the three ever met, I'm pretty sure my television would melt right into the carpet.

Topped off by the surprising pick of Family Guy for Best Comedy Series, this should be a very interesting Emmys. I'll spend the entire night just hoping Betty White takes home the guest star prize for "Crazy Witch Lady" on My Name is Earl.

Happy someone finally got it more right than wrong,

Patrick James

Dear So You Think You Can Dance,

Even as I watch tonight's performance episode, I can't help but feel a sense of ennui. This season's contestants are so dull. In light of this, as well as the upcoming fall season, I'd like to call for a halt to the auditions. In fact, I think it's time we gave America's dance community a chance to rejuvenate and bring in the All-Stars.

Yes, that's right: I said it. This show needs to bring back some of our favorites from seasons past. It's not like this is American Idol, where we see our winners soar or sink in the public. Dear Pop Culture demands to know what's happening with the dancers who are doing something other than Dancing with the Stars.

So, here's my suggestions for the dancers I'd like to see again, keeping in mind that everyone has to be paired with someone of the opposite sex. Oh, and I'm sitting out the winners. Just because I loved you once doesn't mean I need you to come back steal the show (Benji).

Season 3's runner-up Danny is first on the list. He's been gone for much to long, and didn't seem to find himself until the end of his run. Ballroom chick Chelsie Hightower will take a break from DWTS to spice up Danny's steps and try to create another memorable salsa.

The next male will be season 2's runner-up Travis. He was too phenomenal to be forgotten; so much so that I feel like I should look him up on Twitter right this moment. Cute little Travis will get a cute little mate in b-girl Sara from season 3. Her stuff with Pasha was too good to forget her for an all-star group.

The third man to take his lady will be last season's very Burton-esque Mark. He's so much twisty fun, we couldn't let him sit on the side. Mark's lucky lady will be season 1's jazz-tastic Ashle. Her solos kept her in the game after a ton of crappy partners, so Mark ought to be a breeze for her.

Now, yes, I have called out a lot of contemporary male dancers for my season. Well, season 3's Dominic (now calling himself D-Trix, unfortunately) will break up that trend. Season 1 runner-up Melody will do her very best to make our lone hip hopper stick around. And with her diversity, he's actually got a shot.

If you think I've missed someone, don't call foul yet. Next up is season 1's fastest feet, Artim. Despite his long-time relationship with Carrie Ann Inaba going south, we still love him. Gone-too-soon Allison from season 2 will go step for step with Artim, and they might even be the strongest couple in the bunch, as long as they can avoid krumping.

Artim won't be the only ballroom man to grace our All-Stars though, as Dmitri will return as well. The two of them can have an open-shirt sexy-off and put my wife directly into a pleasure-coma. Sugar-sweet season 4 vet Courtnie Galiano will step up to the plate and try to keep up while not being sexied into submission.

Last season's super-ego Will is going to have to pry Debbie Allen off his junk so he can partner up for with season 2's Sarah Behrnhardt impersonator, Heidi. Her solos are to die for, but lets not forget the beautiful park bench: this girl can adapt.

Finally, putting all of the wanna-be bad boys to shame will be the original, season 1's Blake. It may not be some J-Lo MTV dance life whatever, but he could use the exposure. The only female who might be able to temper Blake's big head is fake-haired Lacey Schwimmer. She'll bring it, and she'll have to if she doesn't want to get stuck in the background.

I'm sure someone's favorite didn't make the cut, but guess what? They stink! Hahah!

Oh, and since we're only featuring the best, Cat Deeley will definitely be on hosting duties. That is all.

Feeling very producer-y,

Patrick James

Dear Heaven,

Give them a warm welcome.

Love,
PnI

Dear Bryan Fuller,

Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

I'm so immensely sad after finishing the first new Pushing Daisies since December. Everything about this show was so perfect that I'm just distraught all over again at its cancellation.

Kristin Chenoweth singing Lionel Richie's "Hello" was simply heaven. The forthcoming comic book series courtesy of DC Comics will be a great way to finish up the remaining storylines, but they just won't be the same without the brilliant musical numbers.

Chi McBride, Anna Friel, Swoozie Kurtz, Ellen Greene, Lee Pace and the aforementioned Chenoweth will all be sorely missed when this three-episode reprieve is up. Nothing on television has brought such joy into the living room of my home as this little wonder. I will probably have to scoop up the DVDs when they're released in July only so that I can enjoy this show over and over.

Your mind is a wonder, Mr. Fuller. And while I'd ultimately rather this show went on, I'm glad that Heroes will benefit from your personal loss. Rest assured, fans are mourning with the same passion that you are, because you've made Ned, Chuck and the whole gang feel like our strange little family.

When these remaining episodes are gone, the most unique procedural on network television will go with it. Never before have I believed so truly that it was better to have loved and lost and never to have loved at all. And with the DVDs, I can just go on loving, even if ABC broke my heart.

Unable to laugh without crying,

Patrick James

Dear Kris Allen - American Idol WINNER,

You are AWESOME!!!

In my previous letter to you I talked about how you came out of nowhere and totally demanded my attention. And you kept it throughout the whole competition.

How dare AI write you off. It was painfully obvious that everyone was just waiting for Adam to take the title. I mean even Katy Perry was waving her Adam-Pride flag. You could tell from your face that you knew your fate was sealed. And why wouldn't you? Even the songs that were chosen were geared towards Adam. It was basically the Adam Show and you were just a backup singer. But you persevered... and you won.

Again, the most endearing thing was when the lights went down and the results suspense music started you didn't seem nervous at all. You already knew it wasn't you. You already knew Adam had won. But what you didn't know was how many fans you really have. The look on your face was priceless. It was more sincere then when Megan Joy went home instead of you. It was more sincere than when Danny, an early favorite, went home instead of you. This time.. it was your name that was called and for a very different reason.

So.. way to go! Way to come out of nowhere and take the whole thing. I look forward to everything and anything you do in the coming years.



Love,
Irma

Dear Kara DioGuardi,

You're taking a lot of flack for producing yet another wretched song for the collection of Idol finale stinkers. However, you've also been accused of writing the single worst piece of dribble ever sung by a winner (or runner-up) for their last performance. This, I take issue with.

Don't get me wrong, you've been huge let-down this season. After you're impressive moments during the initial audition phases, including but not limited to the awesomeness of showing Bikini Girl how it's done, you fizzled in a big way. You're insights and opinions are still more valuable than Randy's, but that was never saying much to begin with.

"No Boundaries" is exactly the schlocky, feel-good nastiness we're force-fed about this time every year. The only difference this time, really, is that we've had months to get to know the writer of this song, and that only makes it more unbearable. However, no one can tell me that this uninspired tripe is worse than Taylor Hicks singing "Do I Make You Proud?" or more uncomfortable than hearing Carrie Underwood sing about wanting to be inside someone's heaven.

I dare say, in fact, that the original saccharine solo "A Moment Like This" set the bar pretty low to begin with. We can thank it for all of the warbling, lift-you-up waste that has come since. Only "When You Believe," written by season one alum Tamyra Gray, had any real emotional depth to it. And much of that can be attributed to the performances of its singers, with both season 3 finalists Diana DeGarmo and Fantasia Barrino delivering the goods.

In short, I'd say your mountains and hurricanes are no worse than David Cook's rainbows from last year, and certainly not as bad a fit for the finalists as when Blake Lewis gave up before even starting "This Is My Now." "No Boundaries" is just another in a long, cringe-inducing tradition of clichés strung together to give the winner something to sing when the confetti finally falls. You're no worse than the rest; we just hate you more for failing than the others.



Only had to wiki one of these song titles,

Patrick James

Dear Debbie,

You so crazy!!!


Seriously, last night's episode was like watching your favorite kind-hearted grandma go senile in an hour's time.

Despite your alignment with the supreme ass-hat known as Coach, you were still a person I liked on this season's Survivor. You play an excellent social game, and you never were shown ostrasizing the people in your Tempura tribe that were on the outs. However, after being a little more blunt with Sierra last week than was necessary, your good game was obviously getting to you. You got cocky, and when that happens, people turn on you. That's just a keystone of Survivor!

This week you made the mistake of continuing to align with Coach, who is a total idiot and huge (and bad) liar, despite his claims to the contrary. And when you didn't like what Sierra had to say, you went from likable to downright nutty! That crying jag may make more sense after spending 20 some-odd says in a foreign land relying on people you barely know. Still, to the naked eye, you just looked like a woman who'd flipped her lid.

Subsequent screaming and crying later when Sierra called out your crummy alliance for trying to partner with her against the old Jalapoa erased any and all likability you ever had. Your social game is going up in smoke faster than you can do a backflip or whine about your students. Now you're just another person who can't be trusted, and your attempt to get rid of Coach next week will only undoubtedly seal your fate instead of his.

All of this is really too bad, because Coach is so profoundly annoying, and you were anything but for the first half of the game. But, the best players know how to perform in the clutch, and you're about to prove you're just another Tony Romo, who isn't ready for the pressure of the big-time.

Sending crazy pills to Brazil,

Patrick James