Dear LifeStyles Condoms,

I read a little story today that you've decided to approach reigning teen queen Miley Cyrus to be your lateast spokesperson. Now, assuming this isn't just a silly publicity stunt to get your name out there over the more prominent Spartan competition, let's discuss why someone thought this was a good idea.

Miley Cyrus is a 15 year old girl who has vowed to save herself for marriage. Now, while I can respect your position that she should never speak too soon, I still think there's a small perception problem with a minor promoting safe sex.

I agree that teens can't just be taught abstinence and given a lollipop. Clearly, that doesn't work out so well, given the increase in teen pregnancies of late. Still, we shouldn't have her inadvertently promoting sex among the coming-of-age. I know that promoting safe sex is not the same as promoting sex in general, but the masses don't see it that way. What they would see if sweet little Hannah Montana encouraging her hordes of 13 year-old followers to go out and buy some rubbers.

A more wise choice of wholesome Disney-spokesperson who appeals to the youngest in society awar of what sex really is might be High School Musical's Vanessa Hudgens. Thanks to some little pictures, her innocence is pretty much over in the eyes of the parents who still let their kids watch her movies. However, she's also 18, and old enough that she can promote safe sex without someone coming along and accusing your company of encouraging statutary rape.

Now, I'm sure she'd like to distance herself from the whole naked-pictures thing, but she's sorta SOL on that, so this would be a good way for her to transition beyond her roots and tell Zac she's really ready to take that next non-digital step.

Just looking out for you,

Patrick James

Dear American Gladiators,

I've been one of the hugest fans of your comeback to network television, telling all of my friends how great you are and enjoying every single commercial featuring your new, edgier gladiators doing cross-promo work for My Dad is Better than Your Dad or Hellboy 2.  I don't even really mind the fact that many of the new gladiators seem to take entire stretches of the competition off of work, even though they only work a few weeks a year as gladiators.  Seriously, where was Siren for the entire first half of the prelims?

 

But the issue I really can't stand behind you on is this: catch-ups.

 

That is, the "exciting" part of the show where the slightly humorous announcer tells us we're going to "catch up" on the events you chose not to show us.  This is where I get to see some of my favorite events relegated week after week, like the return of Skytrack.  I used to love this event when gladiators like Turbo and the original Siren would hunt down contestants.  Now, since it's debut as a "new" event, I think it's only aired in its entirety once.

 

Now, I can appreciate that your program is alloted for a one-hour timeslot and you film more than can be edited entertainingly into that time, I do.  But to only see 2/3 of what makes up each contestants scores is just silly.  I want to know how in God's name someone like little old lady Yoko could pull within a few points of her 20-year old competition.  Instead, all of the events where she scored were catch-ups, where I was given the option of watching online in its entirety.  But why would I ever go online and watch again what I just set my DVR to record and took approximatly 47 minutes to watch already?

 

So, either decrease the number of events leading up to the eliminator (a terrible option, since the events are what makes watching fun), or insist on a longer timeslot.  Perhaps 90 minutes like Dancing with the Stars would suit your contest better.

 

Either way, this atrocity must be rectified before this fan falls out of love.  Also, I must see Atlasphere immediately, and not in some commercials were I have to watch Wolf attempt to act.  Correct these, and I will avoid breaking off our happy affair.

 

Flustered,

 

Patrick James