Dear Academy of Motion Pictures, aka Oscars, aka People who Suck,

I don't even begin to know where to begin raining down my fury. Your nominees were announced yestereday morning. All I could think as I sat and watched was, "they really just don't care if people watch or not."

I'm all for being snooty and superior just for the sake of it, but it doesn't serve ABC very well when you don't nominate a single bank-breaking movie in a major category. And no, Supporting Actor does not count as a major category. In fact, it's usually the first or second award given out. So no credit for including Heath and Robert Downey, Jr. for you.

It hurts to see The Dark Knight overlooked for both direction and picture, but I can't honestly say I'm surprised. It's a genre film, and they don't fair well with people who only like to witness the Holocaust tragedies over and over again in their Best Pictures.

To be fair, I admit to being a little underwhelmed when I finally saw The Dark Knight, but it was very late in its theatrical run, so I decided I was just hyped too much by what I was reading. And since I haven't actually seen any of the movies that did get nominated for Best Picture, I guess I can't really be too upset about that. In fact, I'll probably enjoy that arrangement more eventually, since I'll spend the Saturday before the ceremony watching all the Best Picture nominees in a bladder-bursting marathon at my local AMC.

Still, I can't forgive you for deciding that the ceremony need not be watched by the ignorant masses. I like that you have taste, and would honestly prefer you maintain it. But, throwing Wall-E or The Dark Knight or something with some cha-ching at the box office probably would have helped with the Nielsens. Especially with ratings sagging across the board, and for your yearly gathering every year since Titanic. So, you didn't have to let it win, but giving a big-money movie a major nod somewhere could have helped tremendously.

So, just to be straight, not angry with your selections in general, since I've seen maybe four movies this year and I knew House Bunny was never going to make it. Just mad you've sabotaged yourselves again with the general public and decided to eventually give up and move to E! where I'll be forced to watch Kim Kardashian (aka Huge Ass, aka that other bitch famous for making a sex tape) interview Meryl Streep on the finer points of shimmying. For shame, Academy. I'd like to thank you not.

Whinily,

Patrick James

Dear Golden Globes,

I'll try to keep this as short and sweet as possible.

Every year, you announce your picks for the best in TV and movies. Aside from being nothing more than a glorified cocktail party for all the Hollywood types who had projects in the last year, or projects coming up in summer 2009, your sole purpose is to forecast and influence the results of my beloved Oscars. While I'm sure I'd take issues with many of your picks this year, as in years past, I haven't been to the movies much this year (economy and all). Thus, I'm left to critique the more affordable of your picks: TV.

I'm a devoted TV watcher, and my DVR glut is well documented (see previous blog). So, it is with much sadness that I notice two glaring omissions from the nominees for television honors.

The first of these was, I thought, a given: Jim Parsons for his hilariously committed work as Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory. With CBS receiving only one nod (in the very worthy Neil Patrick Harris), this snub is especially noticeable and shameful. You can be certain this Supporting Actor will receive his due when the Emmys roll around. His work is insanely funny, and instantly quotable. Oh, and much better than that of Jeremy Piven and the hoard of other so-so talents occupying this overstuffed category.

The second oversight is one I will take particularly hard, as she will not be eligible for this award again: Kristin Chenoweth for the brilliantly plucky Olive on the (lamentably) canceled Pushing Daisies. Aside from this show being a real standout among the comedy genre, with its fresh stories and outstanding casting, Olive is the most fascinating character among them. Only Chenoweth could have brought such an energy and passion to the former horse jockey-turned-lovelorn PI in training. Also, as the only character not privy to Ned's secret, she's allowed to take a comic tone at almost every turn without focusing on the gooey drama between the lead characters. Her vocal talents alone should vaunt her to the top of this otherwise unimpressive heap (Melissa George = blech!). You've now missed your only chance at honoring this soon-to-be missed highlight of TV in the post-strike swath of reality and other crap.

You can atone for your sins with a respectful nod to Jim Parsons next year, as his show is sure to be returning, but I wouldn't be too upset if Kristin Chenoweth arranged for a certain former acquaintance to drop a house on you.

Disenchantedly,

Patrick James