Dear Emmy Nominees,

You are amazing!

Even though the Golden Globes can't seem to get it right, the Emmys did an admirable job at the unveiling of their nominees this morning.

Biggest highlights are recognition for Jim Parsons for The Big Bang Theory and Kristin Chenoweth for Pushing Daisies. Especially since the latter show was canceled, it'd be sweet as pie if Chenoweth took home the prize.

Nevertheless, there are some snubs that cannot just be overlooked. Cat Deeley deserves to be recognized for her excellent hosting skills on So You Think You Can Dance, even if she is dressed like a rainbow trout tonight. She should easily have taken Heidi Klum's place. Did Project Runway even have a season this year? Cat is easily the best host in the reality competition genre (sorry Phil!).

She could also have the obligatory (and undeserved) nominations for Charlie Sheen, Entourage, or the directing on American Idol. This is a grab bag of TV's absolute worst. If the three ever met, I'm pretty sure my television would melt right into the carpet.

Topped off by the surprising pick of Family Guy for Best Comedy Series, this should be a very interesting Emmys. I'll spend the entire night just hoping Betty White takes home the guest star prize for "Crazy Witch Lady" on My Name is Earl.

Happy someone finally got it more right than wrong,

Patrick James

Dear So You Think You Can Dance,

Even as I watch tonight's performance episode, I can't help but feel a sense of ennui. This season's contestants are so dull. In light of this, as well as the upcoming fall season, I'd like to call for a halt to the auditions. In fact, I think it's time we gave America's dance community a chance to rejuvenate and bring in the All-Stars.

Yes, that's right: I said it. This show needs to bring back some of our favorites from seasons past. It's not like this is American Idol, where we see our winners soar or sink in the public. Dear Pop Culture demands to know what's happening with the dancers who are doing something other than Dancing with the Stars.

So, here's my suggestions for the dancers I'd like to see again, keeping in mind that everyone has to be paired with someone of the opposite sex. Oh, and I'm sitting out the winners. Just because I loved you once doesn't mean I need you to come back steal the show (Benji).

Season 3's runner-up Danny is first on the list. He's been gone for much to long, and didn't seem to find himself until the end of his run. Ballroom chick Chelsie Hightower will take a break from DWTS to spice up Danny's steps and try to create another memorable salsa.

The next male will be season 2's runner-up Travis. He was too phenomenal to be forgotten; so much so that I feel like I should look him up on Twitter right this moment. Cute little Travis will get a cute little mate in b-girl Sara from season 3. Her stuff with Pasha was too good to forget her for an all-star group.

The third man to take his lady will be last season's very Burton-esque Mark. He's so much twisty fun, we couldn't let him sit on the side. Mark's lucky lady will be season 1's jazz-tastic Ashle. Her solos kept her in the game after a ton of crappy partners, so Mark ought to be a breeze for her.

Now, yes, I have called out a lot of contemporary male dancers for my season. Well, season 3's Dominic (now calling himself D-Trix, unfortunately) will break up that trend. Season 1 runner-up Melody will do her very best to make our lone hip hopper stick around. And with her diversity, he's actually got a shot.

If you think I've missed someone, don't call foul yet. Next up is season 1's fastest feet, Artim. Despite his long-time relationship with Carrie Ann Inaba going south, we still love him. Gone-too-soon Allison from season 2 will go step for step with Artim, and they might even be the strongest couple in the bunch, as long as they can avoid krumping.

Artim won't be the only ballroom man to grace our All-Stars though, as Dmitri will return as well. The two of them can have an open-shirt sexy-off and put my wife directly into a pleasure-coma. Sugar-sweet season 4 vet Courtnie Galiano will step up to the plate and try to keep up while not being sexied into submission.

Last season's super-ego Will is going to have to pry Debbie Allen off his junk so he can partner up for with season 2's Sarah Behrnhardt impersonator, Heidi. Her solos are to die for, but lets not forget the beautiful park bench: this girl can adapt.

Finally, putting all of the wanna-be bad boys to shame will be the original, season 1's Blake. It may not be some J-Lo MTV dance life whatever, but he could use the exposure. The only female who might be able to temper Blake's big head is fake-haired Lacey Schwimmer. She'll bring it, and she'll have to if she doesn't want to get stuck in the background.

I'm sure someone's favorite didn't make the cut, but guess what? They stink! Hahah!

Oh, and since we're only featuring the best, Cat Deeley will definitely be on hosting duties. That is all.

Feeling very producer-y,

Patrick James

Dear Kris Allen - American Idol WINNER,

You are AWESOME!!!

In my previous letter to you I talked about how you came out of nowhere and totally demanded my attention. And you kept it throughout the whole competition.

How dare AI write you off. It was painfully obvious that everyone was just waiting for Adam to take the title. I mean even Katy Perry was waving her Adam-Pride flag. You could tell from your face that you knew your fate was sealed. And why wouldn't you? Even the songs that were chosen were geared towards Adam. It was basically the Adam Show and you were just a backup singer. But you persevered... and you won.

Again, the most endearing thing was when the lights went down and the results suspense music started you didn't seem nervous at all. You already knew it wasn't you. You already knew Adam had won. But what you didn't know was how many fans you really have. The look on your face was priceless. It was more sincere then when Megan Joy went home instead of you. It was more sincere than when Danny, an early favorite, went home instead of you. This time.. it was your name that was called and for a very different reason.

So.. way to go! Way to come out of nowhere and take the whole thing. I look forward to everything and anything you do in the coming years.



Love,
Irma

Dear Kara DioGuardi,

You're taking a lot of flack for producing yet another wretched song for the collection of Idol finale stinkers. However, you've also been accused of writing the single worst piece of dribble ever sung by a winner (or runner-up) for their last performance. This, I take issue with.

Don't get me wrong, you've been huge let-down this season. After you're impressive moments during the initial audition phases, including but not limited to the awesomeness of showing Bikini Girl how it's done, you fizzled in a big way. You're insights and opinions are still more valuable than Randy's, but that was never saying much to begin with.

"No Boundaries" is exactly the schlocky, feel-good nastiness we're force-fed about this time every year. The only difference this time, really, is that we've had months to get to know the writer of this song, and that only makes it more unbearable. However, no one can tell me that this uninspired tripe is worse than Taylor Hicks singing "Do I Make You Proud?" or more uncomfortable than hearing Carrie Underwood sing about wanting to be inside someone's heaven.

I dare say, in fact, that the original saccharine solo "A Moment Like This" set the bar pretty low to begin with. We can thank it for all of the warbling, lift-you-up waste that has come since. Only "When You Believe," written by season one alum Tamyra Gray, had any real emotional depth to it. And much of that can be attributed to the performances of its singers, with both season 3 finalists Diana DeGarmo and Fantasia Barrino delivering the goods.

In short, I'd say your mountains and hurricanes are no worse than David Cook's rainbows from last year, and certainly not as bad a fit for the finalists as when Blake Lewis gave up before even starting "This Is My Now." "No Boundaries" is just another in a long, cringe-inducing tradition of clichés strung together to give the winner something to sing when the confetti finally falls. You're no worse than the rest; we just hate you more for failing than the others.



Only had to wiki one of these song titles,

Patrick James

Dear Simon and the Less Helpful Judges,

America got it right. And that means that you got it wrong.

Matt Giraud, while not the worst singer left in the competition, should have gone home last night. Simon, you were absolutely right when you said that he had no chance of winning this competition. Why, then, would you still save him?

I thought this rule was to prevent people like Chris Daughtry from going home. By saving Matt, I have to draw a comparison between the two singers. Chris was the media's favorite and was widely believed to be the most talented person in the running that year. Matt is not the media's or even conservative America's favorite (Adam & Danny, respectively). He's also by no means the most talented person left this year.

I thought it was just a total insult to America to even ask him before passing judgment how many times he's been in the bottom 3. By admitting to having been there twice before, I thought surely his death warrant was signed. It should be obvious that America is not as sold on him as Kara is.

Instead, you're now risking the place of the remaining contestants by using the save on someone undeserving. I understand time was running short to use it, but it really wasn't necessary to use at all. Next week, if Matt ends up safe, we could really lose out on someone good. The most endangered by this save are probably Lil and Anoop, who America still doesn't care for. But if this save means Adam or Danny goes home next week, I'm sure you'll be regretting this dumb move. Sadly, middle-of-the-packers like Kris and Allison could ultimately be the biggest victims, since two contestants will go home next week.

If America can hold it together, Matt will go home next week like he should have this week, and Lil will follow him right out the door, bad hair, big booty and all.

But if not...then I hope that you suffer for this mistake and lose one of your favorites. It'd teach you to trust America more. We've actually gotten it right up to this point. That is to say, not every week was perfect, but we have the seven best contestants left at this point. Now we've just gotta move through the bottom tier of this bunch to get to the top four. And if your save burns out one of those people too soon, at least you'd have no one to blame but yourself. That means Paula, don't you dare whine and tell us we got it wrong next week, because you started it. And we just don't care what you think.

Let down,

Patrick James

Dear Frankie Avalon,

Whenever I see you on TV I expect you to be shirtless and riding a surf board. Even though you're into your wonderful Golden Years. Weird. I know.

Truth be told, I can never hear your song "Venus" and not immediately think about Ami Dolenz walking down the stairs in She's Out of Control. But it makes me love it all the more. I always regard it as one of my favorite songs.

If someone had told me that you were going to be on American Idol doing a guest performance. I wouldn't have believed them. Not in a million years. But then, I would have thought about it... Why shouldn't you be on American Idol?! You ARE an American Idol!! You and Annette were the Zac and Vanessa of your time! These kids would be lucky to follow in your footsteps. I mean even Taylor Hicks got to play "Teen Idol" in Grease, a part you were famous for, and he's the least talented of the bunch!

It was such a relief to have an actual talented recording artist perform on AI. I would rather stab my eyes out with hot pokers than suffer through most of the guest artists on the show.

Thanks for gracing my DVR with your presence.

Love,
Irma

Dear Vote for the Worst,

I love you.

I must start with that simple proclamation before I go forward, because it is the truest thing I can say about you and the fine folks who run your site. I enjoy your post-show analyses, the hilarious little caricatures of your pick each year, and the photoshopped wonders that accompany your features.

However, as I find myself every year, I cannot root for you or your pick to win. Or even advance deep into the competition just for the sake of entertainment. Hell, I hated Megan from the first warble that I can recall, during Hollywood week, right until the last dung-heap of a performance was plopped out last night. America never chose her to the in the Top 13; the judges, and particularly her champion, Simon Cowell, took care of that for her. Even after her abysmal performances in the Semifinals and Wild Card rounds!

Still, I've been following almost daily to see what antics you'd come up with to describe her, as well as the other contestants and the judges, how you'd summarize the great waste of time that is an America Idol results show, and basically just laugh my ass off all the way. Year in and year out, I take the greatest pleasure in your snide and horrible (though usually just cruelly honest) sentiment about America's top rated show.

But do I ever actually vote for the worst? No, I don't. The show is generally uninspiring enough that I don't bother voting at all, but if I do take the time and effort to reach out and dial, it is always for whatever legitimately impressed me. Somewhere deep within, I really do want the best people to win, and I can't handle purposefully leading someone on into believing they are more beloved than they are. Or worse, watch someone like Megan know that they are the worst, know that they are advancing solely because they are the worst (that caw caw-ing last night sounded like a shout-out to me!) and then having them rub it in the faces of people who care about singing talent. It just rubs me wrong.

I look forward to your next choice (I'm voting for Scott!), but I will testify now that my vote belongs with the good performances, or nowhere at all. This confession is painfully, because of my love for the things you do, but it too is just the painful truth.


Owning up,

Patrick James

Dear Kris Allen,

I'm hoping you don't "change your ways." Unless it involves changing that weird sideways jaw thing you do when you go for the big note.

Way to go, Mr. Outta-Nowhere Contestant! I sat at home watching the Wednesday night show and when they introduced you Patrick and I turned to each other and said in unison, "Who?" I was ready to forget you. I'm pretty sure America was ready to forget you. Then we heard what you were going to sing, Man in the Mirror by THE Michael Jackson. I immediately thought out loud, "Oh man, this guy's a goner for sure." Especially right on the heels of Stephen Fowler's blunder while trying to take on the King of Pop. You remember Paula saying that "you don't touch" any of his songs. This is probably my favorite Michael Jackson song so you already had two strikes against you in my book.

But then, Mr. Allen, you sang.

I pretty much watched you with my jaw resting on my lap. And I couldn't wait to hear what the judges would say.

Forget what Kara said! I'm sure she was just following suit of the disasters that preceded your performance. Yours was definitely not any such thing. I fully agreed with the three O.G. judges when they said you nailed it.

Last night there was something very endearing about the way you were so seemingly sad to see that it would come down to you and Megan Corkery. It was like you looked at her and "knew" your fate was sealed because of how much all four judges liked her. I personally didn't vote for her because I thought she was boring and that weird semi-Chubby Checker style twist was completely annoying. I had faith America would think so too.

So way to go! And for not listening when they basically said DON'T sing Michael! But I bet by that time it was too late anyway.

Ps. If I could offer one bit of advice... Stop that jaw thing. It's weird.

Love,
Irma