Dear Kris Allen,

I'm hoping you don't "change your ways." Unless it involves changing that weird sideways jaw thing you do when you go for the big note.

Way to go, Mr. Outta-Nowhere Contestant! I sat at home watching the Wednesday night show and when they introduced you Patrick and I turned to each other and said in unison, "Who?" I was ready to forget you. I'm pretty sure America was ready to forget you. Then we heard what you were going to sing, Man in the Mirror by THE Michael Jackson. I immediately thought out loud, "Oh man, this guy's a goner for sure." Especially right on the heels of Stephen Fowler's blunder while trying to take on the King of Pop. You remember Paula saying that "you don't touch" any of his songs. This is probably my favorite Michael Jackson song so you already had two strikes against you in my book.

But then, Mr. Allen, you sang.

I pretty much watched you with my jaw resting on my lap. And I couldn't wait to hear what the judges would say.

Forget what Kara said! I'm sure she was just following suit of the disasters that preceded your performance. Yours was definitely not any such thing. I fully agreed with the three O.G. judges when they said you nailed it.

Last night there was something very endearing about the way you were so seemingly sad to see that it would come down to you and Megan Corkery. It was like you looked at her and "knew" your fate was sealed because of how much all four judges liked her. I personally didn't vote for her because I thought she was boring and that weird semi-Chubby Checker style twist was completely annoying. I had faith America would think so too.

So way to go! And for not listening when they basically said DON'T sing Michael! But I bet by that time it was too late anyway.

Ps. If I could offer one bit of advice... Stop that jaw thing. It's weird.

Love,
Irma

Dear Kayne West,

I will bring this blog the indignity of mentioning your name just this once to say a few simple words:

SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

I'm sure you think it's cute or funny to say whatever comes to your pint-sized mind. But I'm sure the Grammy committee didn't really think it was funny of you to introduce Best New Artist with commentary about how you were never nominated for that particular award. Haven't they kissed your ungrateful ass enough by awarding you with prize after prize and providing you an outlet to perform live? Thank God they were smart enough to refrain from booking you to "sing" something from your new album. We were all spared.

The only thing that would be worse is if you were just being dead serious. This is annoyingly plausible, since you're an infamous ass. This would make you immensely pompous, to decide that you need to interrupt your script to throw in some commentary dissing the very people who invited you to perform and speak.

I hope that you someday get the rude awakening that is so due to you. You are the poorest role model imaginable. I would go so far as to say that you make Britney Spears look like an ideal aspiration. You encourage a generation of self-entitled young people to be even more self-involved, as well as rude, talentless and disrespectful at every possible turn. It's really a shame that you're still famous.

So, that's all I've got for you today, and hopefully this will be the last time I ever have to type your name.

Wishing bad things on you (Kayne, not the readers of this blog),

Patrick James

Dear X-Men Editors,

STOP IT WITH THE MINI-SERIES ALREADY!!!

As a fan in a tough economic time, I can't stand that you keep putting out so many freaking mini-series for me to follow.

Fortunately, I'm not a big Wolverine fan, just an X-Men fan in general, so I'll skip all of his solo minis outright. Still, this month that meant that I have purchased Worlds Apart, X-Infernus, Manifest Destiny and Kingbreaker. The only reason I skipped Ghost Boxes is because I can't understand what the hell is happening in Astonishing X-Men in the first place.

What's even more upsetting is that excluding only Manifest Destiny, all of these stories could have been told in the main books. And they would all have been better than what is happening in the main books right now! Instead, you're asking me to spend an additional $3.99 each for what should have been in Uncanny anyways instead of the S&M-tastic return of Madelyne Pryor.

We the fans deserve to know what's been happening since "The Rise and Fall of the Shi'Ar Empire" to the characters who were abandoned at the story's end without having to pick up two mini-series with a third looming on the horizon in War of Kings. We deserved some followup to "Quest for Magik" that didn't involve buying something extra.

It wouldn't burn so incredibly badly in my wallet if the quality of these books was not so much higher than that of the core books. Worlds Apart felt like a story that would have been told in the eighties had circumstances been the same, and it would have been right in Uncanny. So what if it sidelines a few other characters for an arc? That's what happens in a team dynamic!

I'm just asking for a slowdown to the number of stories being published because it's obvious a streamlining will help in quality. These contained stories seem to be infinitely more fascinating. Not to mention that, in recent memory, these mini-series seem to be more germinating to the next crop of creators than what's happening in the ongoing books. The core books, now that there are three of them, should be plenty of space to tell the stories that need to be told.

So, I'm sure you'll advertise three new mini-series tomorrow and totally ignore this post, but know that at some point, my budget is going to give and something is getting dropped *coughAstonishingcoughLegacycough*.

Broke,

Patrick James