Dear Desperate Housewives,

Once in a season is more than enough. Twice is just a ridiculous waste of my time.

Of course, I'm referring to the stupid flashback vignettes format, used last night to memorialize Edie Brit. The most obvious and annoying thing to be drawn from it's use again, after having been used to shoe-horn in the handyman, was that it tarnishes Edie's "one of a kind" standing, by coupling her with some one-off character of the week. It also forces me to remember the utter crap-titude of making her so desperate as to have sex with him.

Killing off the neighborhood trouble-maker was bad enough, as the rest of these girls have been bland all season, but to remember her in this way was just plain dumb. Several of the stories seemed totally out of character, such as the Bree & Gabby ones, and the Mrs. McCluskey story was just tear-jerking sappy crap. And while Nicollette Sheridan deftly acted her way through the many landmines built into this clunker of an episode, even this saucy swan laid an egg on that scene.

All in all, it seemed like a very disrespectful way to send off both the actress and the character. She was cut for reasons relating to the financial climate in Hollywood more than for story-driven purposes. That alone is understandable, but the manner of death was just insulting. The horrible, uncharacteristically sweet voice-over aside, Edie deserved to at least have her death mean something in the grand scheme of this horrible Dave Williams arc. Hell, it might have finally made it more interesting to start. But the fact is, this was a bad way to bid farewell to the actress who stepped it up big time when Desperate Housewives needed a pinch hitter. Bree was sidelined with baby for a long time, and by far the most interesting developments that whole season involved Edie's relationship with Carlos, and the lengths she'd go to so he'd stay. This was epitomized by her faux-hanging, which truthfully was still a better death than this.

Wrong as it may be, though, it's set in stone (or ashes) now. Just know, Marc Cherry, that this does nothing to make me like Katherine any better, and she will never be the fifth housewife in my mind.

Spitefully,

Patrick James

Dear Sweets,

It's totally Booth! I don't know if I was supposed to take the retitling of your book to Bones - The Heart of the Matter to mean that you believe Brennan is the one who is constantly struggling or not. That said, the new title gave me that exact impression, and you could not be more wrong!

My wife and I watched both Wednesday's special episode and Thursday's regular one back to back last night. While cuing up the second episode, I told Irma that I wonder if we're supposed to believe that they both know they are in love with the other, or if they're both supposed to be oblivious, or if just Brennan is oblivious. My vote was for the last of these options. David Boreanaz plays Booth too well for me not to believe that he is in love with Brennan and doesn't pursue it because he's afraid it would jeopardize the status quo.

I was tickled pink when the very next hour had Gordon telling us that one of them is constantly having to suppress their feelings of love for the other. Huzzah! Success! I knew it was Booth. And while I'm not ready for them to get together and ruin the show (a la Moonlighting, Dawson's Creek, and former lead-out House), I do love that this angle was at least acknowledged.

Now, quick evidence that I am right and Sweets is wrong about it being Brennan.

1) Brennan is always the first to deny a relationship is going on between them when some outsider observes their bond, as in the bridal store. She always denies first, rationally, and emotionlessly.

2) Brennan desires to be more passionate and head-over-heels in love. She would not tell the man she loves that she desires this if she already was and simply had to reject it.

3) One of the funniest things about the show is its premise - emotional person enters world surrounded by logic-driven people, hilarity ensues. It's not that different from The Big Bang Theory here, folks, except for the formulaic procedural aspect that helped it get on the air in the first place. But, back on point. Booth is the fish out of water on the show, not Brennan. He entered her world, and he is the one being logical to meet the needs of her world. If she was the one struggling with her emotions, then she'd just let them out. She'd become a part of his world, and more like the other, less rational squints. It's not interesting to watch her become like everyone else because she has nothing at stake. It's interesting to watch him try to maintain the front that he's like everyone else, when he is really not. If he reveals that he can't be rational enough to avoid a workplace romance, he risks being removed from their world.

All of this is assuming a lot, based only on a grin from Sweets, and the new title of his book at the end of the episode. Nevertheless, I feel that the grin told us that he thinks she's suppressing her connection, and the title change confirms it. But our little death metal-ian is just plain wrong.

Psychoanalytically,

Patrick James

Dear Simon and the Less Helpful Judges,

America got it right. And that means that you got it wrong.

Matt Giraud, while not the worst singer left in the competition, should have gone home last night. Simon, you were absolutely right when you said that he had no chance of winning this competition. Why, then, would you still save him?

I thought this rule was to prevent people like Chris Daughtry from going home. By saving Matt, I have to draw a comparison between the two singers. Chris was the media's favorite and was widely believed to be the most talented person in the running that year. Matt is not the media's or even conservative America's favorite (Adam & Danny, respectively). He's also by no means the most talented person left this year.

I thought it was just a total insult to America to even ask him before passing judgment how many times he's been in the bottom 3. By admitting to having been there twice before, I thought surely his death warrant was signed. It should be obvious that America is not as sold on him as Kara is.

Instead, you're now risking the place of the remaining contestants by using the save on someone undeserving. I understand time was running short to use it, but it really wasn't necessary to use at all. Next week, if Matt ends up safe, we could really lose out on someone good. The most endangered by this save are probably Lil and Anoop, who America still doesn't care for. But if this save means Adam or Danny goes home next week, I'm sure you'll be regretting this dumb move. Sadly, middle-of-the-packers like Kris and Allison could ultimately be the biggest victims, since two contestants will go home next week.

If America can hold it together, Matt will go home next week like he should have this week, and Lil will follow him right out the door, bad hair, big booty and all.

But if not...then I hope that you suffer for this mistake and lose one of your favorites. It'd teach you to trust America more. We've actually gotten it right up to this point. That is to say, not every week was perfect, but we have the seven best contestants left at this point. Now we've just gotta move through the bottom tier of this bunch to get to the top four. And if your save burns out one of those people too soon, at least you'd have no one to blame but yourself. That means Paula, don't you dare whine and tell us we got it wrong next week, because you started it. And we just don't care what you think.

Let down,

Patrick James

Dear Comics Dude from The Big Bang Theory,

There is no freaking way that Jason Todd should be the new Batman over freaking Dick Grayson!

Yes, Dick did go off on his own and create his own person, Nightwing. And while Nightwing never stood entirely out of the bat's shadow, he certainly created his own dark corner within it. Nevertheless, if someone is supposed to take Bruce Wayne's place and keep the legacy alive, it should most certianly be his first and best pupil, the original Robin, Dick Grayson.

Jason Todd was the second, lamer Robin, who was rightfully killed off in perhaps the truest possible meaning of the phrase "Because You Demanded It!" Fans actually voted to have him die, he was that annoying!

And while the "Hush" storyline created the interesting possibility of his being actually alive and angry with Bruce, it should have ended there: just a possibility. He was killed by a sledgehammer, for god's sake! When it was realized, the whole thing fell like a house of cards. Jason Todd has no claim whatsoever to the bat-throne. He should still be a rotting corpse.

If anyone would rival Dick's ascension in any way, I would think it'd be the latest Robin, Tim Drake. And even then, step aside, kiddo! Being Batman is grown-up work, and Dick is the only man for the cowl.

Ultimately, while I don't generally do this, I'm afraid I have to agree with Sheldon. Now get me some herbal tea and back up off of Penny before Leonard has to bust out Sting and go all Frodo on you!

Passionately,

Patrick James

Dear Dragonball: Evolution,

Don't listen to the reviews. I did, and they're pretty rough.

I'm not the kind of fanboy who ever spent any great deal of time digging into the anime classics (the original, Z, or GT). I knew people who loved them, but never really invested the time required to get involved in the stories.

That said, I liked the movie for the most part. It told a pretty straight-forward story that was easily understood, at least as far as Goku was concerned. This is where my personal problem with the movie comes in though. While Goku's story seemed clear enough, Piccolo's was shrouded in mystery that only left me frustrated and, ultimately, with too many questions.

Why was he seeking the dragonballs? My wife told me later that he wanted to be younger, but that doesn't really add up when the prosthetics didn't make him look anywhere near his 2000+ year age. In fact, James's Marsters and the massive plastic chest plate he wore looked quite healthy and invigorated.

Also, how did he escape from the center of the earth, or wherever it was he was being contained by the spell? Surely the magic didn't just wear off. And while the "blood moon" sounds special, it didn't really seem like anything but another eclipse, of which I feel certain there were several during the time he spent trapped. Hell, if you'd watch Heroes, you'd know they come every couple of years and can be seen everywhere on the planet. Duh!

What's that? Solar eclipses aren't quite that common, or globe-encompassing? Well, color me more informed than writers room for Heroes.

But back on task, for all the work that Piccolo actually did in the movie, he wasn't much of a threat. Heck, I may as well have been watching the Fantastic Four get attacked by the Galactus-cloud of doom. His little henchwoman did all the work, while he floated around looking like his lunch wasn't sitting well.

Remember though, I went in basically blind. Then again, maybe that's also why I didn't buy the Bulma/Goofy Asian Dude romance. It kinda came out of nowhere (and that's a problem for a 90 minute runtime). At the very least, I could have used a horrible rom-com montage of clips of them riding tandem bikes and sharing an ice cream cone to the tune of "So Happy Together."

But no. Instead, I got random making out. Making out plus 30% of nothing does not make me want to stick around when the world, and more importantly my life, is being threatened. And I'm not even a generic comedic sidekick...er, I mean thief with a heart of gold. And just saying, but one prototypical character subbed out for another still doesn't make him feel like a unique character that wasn't just conceived during a game of Dungeons and Dragons.

Now, as I said, I enjoyed the movie. I just wished you'd pulled all the elements together a little better. Of course, that's assuming there's more to pull from within the source material. But I just can't believe Dragonball lore would be so popular in the first place if this is all there was.

Harsher than I intended,

Patrick James

Dear Frankie Avalon,

Whenever I see you on TV I expect you to be shirtless and riding a surf board. Even though you're into your wonderful Golden Years. Weird. I know.

Truth be told, I can never hear your song "Venus" and not immediately think about Ami Dolenz walking down the stairs in She's Out of Control. But it makes me love it all the more. I always regard it as one of my favorite songs.

If someone had told me that you were going to be on American Idol doing a guest performance. I wouldn't have believed them. Not in a million years. But then, I would have thought about it... Why shouldn't you be on American Idol?! You ARE an American Idol!! You and Annette were the Zac and Vanessa of your time! These kids would be lucky to follow in your footsteps. I mean even Taylor Hicks got to play "Teen Idol" in Grease, a part you were famous for, and he's the least talented of the bunch!

It was such a relief to have an actual talented recording artist perform on AI. I would rather stab my eyes out with hot pokers than suffer through most of the guest artists on the show.

Thanks for gracing my DVR with your presence.

Love,
Irma

Dear Kal Penn,

THE MOTHER OF ALL SPOILER ALERTS!

I, like many others, was totally floored by your death last night on House. It was a surreal experience, to watch the characters struggle to find the meaning behind what will seemingly remain a mystery. I knew someone would commit suicide on House this season, but I was really caught off guard when it happened this week, and more devastatingly, when it was your Kutner who pulled the trigger.

This morning I realized you were leaving the show to work in Washington DC with the Obama administration. I'm torn about this change of pace for you, though. You're leaving a top-rated show on network TV, one of the few that has held somewhat steady despite the writer's strike. I hope that you're new career path works out for you, since the inclination is a noble one. I'd just hate to see you regret not sticking with this good thing when you had it.

Then again, you've got tons of money in the bank, a recognizable face, a cult hit movie to bring the residuals for years to come, and a passion to serve. What better time to take a chance than during one of the most energizing political moments in history, coupled with the growing number of people needing help and representation? Good for you, and we wish you the best.

Just do me a favor, and don't decide less than a year from now that you don't like politics that much anyways, and join the pilot for some new show. It'd really impair my mourning process.

Simultaneously depressed and inspired,

Patrick James

Dear LOST Writers,

¡SPOILER ALERT!

I just wanted to personally thank you for making my little day with your last episode. As mentioned previously, I love shows that deal with time travel. Lost has definitely fit this bill as of late.

But that's not the reason you made my day. During the final moments of the episode "He's Our You" I was jumping up and down screaming, "Is Ben going to disappear Back To The Future Style!!?" Of course, I would get no such satisfaction. But then, during "Whatever Happened, Happened" as soon as I saw Hurley looking at his hand I knew exactly what was going to be talked about as I started to envision Marty McFly watching his own hand disappear on stage during The Enchantment Under The Sea dance. I can't tell you how excited I was to get a shout-out to...

THE BEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME
AKA
BACK TO THE FUTURE!!!

*ahem* Sorry about that. And the subsequent "time fight" between Hurley and Miles was great. I mean, why ignore the paradox when you just address it.

Pure greatness.

Love,
Irma

Ps. Please, bring back my beloved Desmond soon.

Dear Vote for the Worst,

I love you.

I must start with that simple proclamation before I go forward, because it is the truest thing I can say about you and the fine folks who run your site. I enjoy your post-show analyses, the hilarious little caricatures of your pick each year, and the photoshopped wonders that accompany your features.

However, as I find myself every year, I cannot root for you or your pick to win. Or even advance deep into the competition just for the sake of entertainment. Hell, I hated Megan from the first warble that I can recall, during Hollywood week, right until the last dung-heap of a performance was plopped out last night. America never chose her to the in the Top 13; the judges, and particularly her champion, Simon Cowell, took care of that for her. Even after her abysmal performances in the Semifinals and Wild Card rounds!

Still, I've been following almost daily to see what antics you'd come up with to describe her, as well as the other contestants and the judges, how you'd summarize the great waste of time that is an America Idol results show, and basically just laugh my ass off all the way. Year in and year out, I take the greatest pleasure in your snide and horrible (though usually just cruelly honest) sentiment about America's top rated show.

But do I ever actually vote for the worst? No, I don't. The show is generally uninspiring enough that I don't bother voting at all, but if I do take the time and effort to reach out and dial, it is always for whatever legitimately impressed me. Somewhere deep within, I really do want the best people to win, and I can't handle purposefully leading someone on into believing they are more beloved than they are. Or worse, watch someone like Megan know that they are the worst, know that they are advancing solely because they are the worst (that caw caw-ing last night sounded like a shout-out to me!) and then having them rub it in the faces of people who care about singing talent. It just rubs me wrong.

I look forward to your next choice (I'm voting for Scott!), but I will testify now that my vote belongs with the good performances, or nowhere at all. This confession is painfully, because of my love for the things you do, but it too is just the painful truth.


Owning up,

Patrick James