Dear Heaven,

Give them a warm welcome.

Love,
PnI

Dear Bryan Fuller,

Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

I'm so immensely sad after finishing the first new Pushing Daisies since December. Everything about this show was so perfect that I'm just distraught all over again at its cancellation.

Kristin Chenoweth singing Lionel Richie's "Hello" was simply heaven. The forthcoming comic book series courtesy of DC Comics will be a great way to finish up the remaining storylines, but they just won't be the same without the brilliant musical numbers.

Chi McBride, Anna Friel, Swoozie Kurtz, Ellen Greene, Lee Pace and the aforementioned Chenoweth will all be sorely missed when this three-episode reprieve is up. Nothing on television has brought such joy into the living room of my home as this little wonder. I will probably have to scoop up the DVDs when they're released in July only so that I can enjoy this show over and over.

Your mind is a wonder, Mr. Fuller. And while I'd ultimately rather this show went on, I'm glad that Heroes will benefit from your personal loss. Rest assured, fans are mourning with the same passion that you are, because you've made Ned, Chuck and the whole gang feel like our strange little family.

When these remaining episodes are gone, the most unique procedural on network television will go with it. Never before have I believed so truly that it was better to have loved and lost and never to have loved at all. And with the DVDs, I can just go on loving, even if ABC broke my heart.

Unable to laugh without crying,

Patrick James

Dear Kris Allen - American Idol WINNER,

You are AWESOME!!!

In my previous letter to you I talked about how you came out of nowhere and totally demanded my attention. And you kept it throughout the whole competition.

How dare AI write you off. It was painfully obvious that everyone was just waiting for Adam to take the title. I mean even Katy Perry was waving her Adam-Pride flag. You could tell from your face that you knew your fate was sealed. And why wouldn't you? Even the songs that were chosen were geared towards Adam. It was basically the Adam Show and you were just a backup singer. But you persevered... and you won.

Again, the most endearing thing was when the lights went down and the results suspense music started you didn't seem nervous at all. You already knew it wasn't you. You already knew Adam had won. But what you didn't know was how many fans you really have. The look on your face was priceless. It was more sincere then when Megan Joy went home instead of you. It was more sincere than when Danny, an early favorite, went home instead of you. This time.. it was your name that was called and for a very different reason.

So.. way to go! Way to come out of nowhere and take the whole thing. I look forward to everything and anything you do in the coming years.



Love,
Irma

Dear Kara DioGuardi,

You're taking a lot of flack for producing yet another wretched song for the collection of Idol finale stinkers. However, you've also been accused of writing the single worst piece of dribble ever sung by a winner (or runner-up) for their last performance. This, I take issue with.

Don't get me wrong, you've been huge let-down this season. After you're impressive moments during the initial audition phases, including but not limited to the awesomeness of showing Bikini Girl how it's done, you fizzled in a big way. You're insights and opinions are still more valuable than Randy's, but that was never saying much to begin with.

"No Boundaries" is exactly the schlocky, feel-good nastiness we're force-fed about this time every year. The only difference this time, really, is that we've had months to get to know the writer of this song, and that only makes it more unbearable. However, no one can tell me that this uninspired tripe is worse than Taylor Hicks singing "Do I Make You Proud?" or more uncomfortable than hearing Carrie Underwood sing about wanting to be inside someone's heaven.

I dare say, in fact, that the original saccharine solo "A Moment Like This" set the bar pretty low to begin with. We can thank it for all of the warbling, lift-you-up waste that has come since. Only "When You Believe," written by season one alum Tamyra Gray, had any real emotional depth to it. And much of that can be attributed to the performances of its singers, with both season 3 finalists Diana DeGarmo and Fantasia Barrino delivering the goods.

In short, I'd say your mountains and hurricanes are no worse than David Cook's rainbows from last year, and certainly not as bad a fit for the finalists as when Blake Lewis gave up before even starting "This Is My Now." "No Boundaries" is just another in a long, cringe-inducing tradition of clichés strung together to give the winner something to sing when the confetti finally falls. You're no worse than the rest; we just hate you more for failing than the others.



Only had to wiki one of these song titles,

Patrick James

Dear Debbie,

You so crazy!!!


Seriously, last night's episode was like watching your favorite kind-hearted grandma go senile in an hour's time.

Despite your alignment with the supreme ass-hat known as Coach, you were still a person I liked on this season's Survivor. You play an excellent social game, and you never were shown ostrasizing the people in your Tempura tribe that were on the outs. However, after being a little more blunt with Sierra last week than was necessary, your good game was obviously getting to you. You got cocky, and when that happens, people turn on you. That's just a keystone of Survivor!

This week you made the mistake of continuing to align with Coach, who is a total idiot and huge (and bad) liar, despite his claims to the contrary. And when you didn't like what Sierra had to say, you went from likable to downright nutty! That crying jag may make more sense after spending 20 some-odd says in a foreign land relying on people you barely know. Still, to the naked eye, you just looked like a woman who'd flipped her lid.

Subsequent screaming and crying later when Sierra called out your crummy alliance for trying to partner with her against the old Jalapoa erased any and all likability you ever had. Your social game is going up in smoke faster than you can do a backflip or whine about your students. Now you're just another person who can't be trusted, and your attempt to get rid of Coach next week will only undoubtedly seal your fate instead of his.

All of this is really too bad, because Coach is so profoundly annoying, and you were anything but for the first half of the game. But, the best players know how to perform in the clutch, and you're about to prove you're just another Tony Romo, who isn't ready for the pressure of the big-time.

Sending crazy pills to Brazil,

Patrick James

Dear Desperate Housewives,

Once in a season is more than enough. Twice is just a ridiculous waste of my time.

Of course, I'm referring to the stupid flashback vignettes format, used last night to memorialize Edie Brit. The most obvious and annoying thing to be drawn from it's use again, after having been used to shoe-horn in the handyman, was that it tarnishes Edie's "one of a kind" standing, by coupling her with some one-off character of the week. It also forces me to remember the utter crap-titude of making her so desperate as to have sex with him.

Killing off the neighborhood trouble-maker was bad enough, as the rest of these girls have been bland all season, but to remember her in this way was just plain dumb. Several of the stories seemed totally out of character, such as the Bree & Gabby ones, and the Mrs. McCluskey story was just tear-jerking sappy crap. And while Nicollette Sheridan deftly acted her way through the many landmines built into this clunker of an episode, even this saucy swan laid an egg on that scene.

All in all, it seemed like a very disrespectful way to send off both the actress and the character. She was cut for reasons relating to the financial climate in Hollywood more than for story-driven purposes. That alone is understandable, but the manner of death was just insulting. The horrible, uncharacteristically sweet voice-over aside, Edie deserved to at least have her death mean something in the grand scheme of this horrible Dave Williams arc. Hell, it might have finally made it more interesting to start. But the fact is, this was a bad way to bid farewell to the actress who stepped it up big time when Desperate Housewives needed a pinch hitter. Bree was sidelined with baby for a long time, and by far the most interesting developments that whole season involved Edie's relationship with Carlos, and the lengths she'd go to so he'd stay. This was epitomized by her faux-hanging, which truthfully was still a better death than this.

Wrong as it may be, though, it's set in stone (or ashes) now. Just know, Marc Cherry, that this does nothing to make me like Katherine any better, and she will never be the fifth housewife in my mind.

Spitefully,

Patrick James

Dear Sweets,

It's totally Booth! I don't know if I was supposed to take the retitling of your book to Bones - The Heart of the Matter to mean that you believe Brennan is the one who is constantly struggling or not. That said, the new title gave me that exact impression, and you could not be more wrong!

My wife and I watched both Wednesday's special episode and Thursday's regular one back to back last night. While cuing up the second episode, I told Irma that I wonder if we're supposed to believe that they both know they are in love with the other, or if they're both supposed to be oblivious, or if just Brennan is oblivious. My vote was for the last of these options. David Boreanaz plays Booth too well for me not to believe that he is in love with Brennan and doesn't pursue it because he's afraid it would jeopardize the status quo.

I was tickled pink when the very next hour had Gordon telling us that one of them is constantly having to suppress their feelings of love for the other. Huzzah! Success! I knew it was Booth. And while I'm not ready for them to get together and ruin the show (a la Moonlighting, Dawson's Creek, and former lead-out House), I do love that this angle was at least acknowledged.

Now, quick evidence that I am right and Sweets is wrong about it being Brennan.

1) Brennan is always the first to deny a relationship is going on between them when some outsider observes their bond, as in the bridal store. She always denies first, rationally, and emotionlessly.

2) Brennan desires to be more passionate and head-over-heels in love. She would not tell the man she loves that she desires this if she already was and simply had to reject it.

3) One of the funniest things about the show is its premise - emotional person enters world surrounded by logic-driven people, hilarity ensues. It's not that different from The Big Bang Theory here, folks, except for the formulaic procedural aspect that helped it get on the air in the first place. But, back on point. Booth is the fish out of water on the show, not Brennan. He entered her world, and he is the one being logical to meet the needs of her world. If she was the one struggling with her emotions, then she'd just let them out. She'd become a part of his world, and more like the other, less rational squints. It's not interesting to watch her become like everyone else because she has nothing at stake. It's interesting to watch him try to maintain the front that he's like everyone else, when he is really not. If he reveals that he can't be rational enough to avoid a workplace romance, he risks being removed from their world.

All of this is assuming a lot, based only on a grin from Sweets, and the new title of his book at the end of the episode. Nevertheless, I feel that the grin told us that he thinks she's suppressing her connection, and the title change confirms it. But our little death metal-ian is just plain wrong.

Psychoanalytically,

Patrick James