Dear Facebook Users,

I've been using Facebook for a little over 5 years now. In that time, it has boomed into what it is today. It's a monster of a social networking site. There are apps, games, plug-ins and who knows what else. But there are a few things about Facebook that really make me crazy. Let's visit a few:

1. Replacement for ACTUAL Social Interaction

I know it's convenient to see someone's birthday scrolling on the side of your browser. You click, you type out a little message and you feel good about yourself. But you know what's really nice? Calling someone on their birthday, sending a happy birthday text directly to their phone or even sending a dumb eCard or picture message with a dancing hippo.

The worse ones are when people post status updates akin to "Where are you, So&So?" or "Hey So&So wasn't that thing we did so awesome?!" Really? Why not post on their wall and save us all from having to look at it. And is Facebook really the only interaction with this person you can muster up?

Worser still are the PEOPLE that claim they don't know what's going on with you because "you haven't updated your Facebook in months!" Try picking up a phone, lazy-ass. Or when those same people are somewhere with you and you snap a photo or take a few group pictures and they immediately turn to you and say, "Oh you better put this on Facebook!" Ok, sure! Because my whole life totally needs to be cataloged on Facebook!!!

2. Shameless requests for "Likes"

This Like thing has really gotten out of control. I'll admit it. Sometimes I'm surfing the web and come across something I really, truly like and immediately look for that little thumbs up. More often than not, I'm not on Facebook. It's a habit.

But come on people, you're not going to get an award if a certain amount of people Like something on your page. You don't even get kudos, I'm pretty sure. So, do you really have to ask for people to like the things you've put into a status update?

Oh you know what I mean. LIKE THIS COMMENT IF YOU CAN'T WAIT FOR FRIDAY! LIKE THIS COMMENT IF YOU HAVE TEN TOES! LIKE THIS COMMENT IF YOU'VE EVER POOPED BEFORE! Ok those aren't actual examples, but you get the point.

3. Shameless need for comments/attention

Everyone likes to feel cared for, feel loved, feel like they have a friend. But posts that invoke someone to comment are just sad. "I feel sick," "I can't believe that happened," or "What should I have for dinner?" Seriously? Why don't you just post, "Please fawn all over me, I'm lonely," and we can move past the obviously wanted follow up comments: OMG what's wrong with you? What just happened? Have what I'm having! Oh forget it, Just come over!

That's what you're really looking for, right? I knew it.

4. Oversharing

You know who you are. Permanently attached at the hip to your Facebook app. At least, I hope it's your app. I can't imagine running to the computer every 5 seconds to post an update. Those that drone on and on and on about every waking second. "I just woke up," "About to head off to work," "Work is boring," "Ready to go home from work," "On the drive home I saw a birdie," "What should I make for dinner?" (See #3), "Sitting on the couch and watching some TV with So&So," "About ready to get in bed," "I remembered to floss!," and "Goodnight, Facebook." Who exactly are you talking to? You can't possibly think that everyone needs to know all that information. Oh wait... Are you secretly killing someone and need an alibi?! "But, Your Honor, I was clearly at home watching TV!" Ok, that makes the most sense.

5. DEMANDS for Re-Posting

Yeah, DEMAND. I really dislike the posts that say things like REPOST THIS OR YOU HAVE NO SOUL. REPOST THIS OR YOU LOVE WHEN PEOPLE GET CANCER. REPOST THIS OR EVERYONE WILL KNOW YOU'RE A TERRIBLE PERSON! I BET YOU WON'T REPOST THIS! I'm not re-posting your jibber jabber just because you're trying to guilt me into it. And, much like my examples, ARE USUALLY IN CAPS LOCK!

Ever heard the phrase, "You catch more flies with honey"?

6. Sad, passive-aggressive attempts to "tell someone how it is"

This one is funny to me, particularly, because I am Friends with both teens and adults on Facebook. The posts of this nature are hilariously similar. "I'm not going to say who, but you really made me mad. And I don't like you," "I'm not feeding into your drama," or "I'm just going to sit back and laugh while you guys fight it out. I'm better than you." It's hard to tell the difference between a teen post and an adult one, I bet if you guessed which were which in my examples you'd be wrong.

7. The need to let everyone know where you are at all times aka "Check-Ins"

No, I don't want you to tag me in a post where you're telling the whole world where I am. Especially if you do that every single time we hang out. It's annoying and sad and kinda makes you look like you're showing off (or at least trying to) how great your life is and how many friends you have. Believe me, if you're actually friends with people, they know. Just because you and two of your friends are at some restaurant for dinner doesn't make you sound any cooler. And no one really cares if you and your mom are at Target... again.

Dear ABC Local Affiliate,

Your decision to air NYE in Big D resulted in one large boo-boo: no Dick Clark.

My year cannot possibly start properly without seeing Dick Clark and
his lovely wife ring in the 80-millionth consecutive new year with a
kiss on national television. I don't care if they celebrate it an hour
early for those of us in the central time zone! I was robbed of this
time-honored tradition.

And in favor of what? If memory serves (and it could be a little
foggy, given the particular night in question) it was the local news!
Not even the lame Dallas version of Times Square with at least 1/1000
of the people, excitement, and importance. You stole my year to report
that Joe Blow was setting up the Big D(isappointment) hours earlier! I
don't give a damn what happened hours ago. Especially not while I'm
trying to watch that cute little old man get his ONE moment of the
night back from Carrion Seacrest.

Whatever programmer decided it was more important to see the crappy
local news than watch the biggest New Year's Eve celebration IN THE
WORLD reach it's charming annual climax in a loving kiss should be
tossed out the door. And let that be a lesson to the next idiot who
thinks we care what half-baked seventeenth-fiddle celebration is
happening locally.

Give me Dick Clark! The man only has so many more of these left in
him, so let's not upset the pattern again until we have to.

Starting the year with a black cloud looming overhead,

Patrick James

Dear Ryan Murphy,

I love Glee. I love Glee so much that I look forward to it every day like a school girl that can't wait for recess.

Even though I'm temporarily blinded by my love for all things Kurt, and the will they or won't they storyline featuring my new crush (Blaine), I wanted to remind you that I have NOT forgotten about Rachel's Dads:


Come on. Let's see them already! ... maybe a song and/or dance too.

I'm all for Taye Diggs being one of the fathers. And you'd be keeping it in the family with Idina having been revealed as Rachel's biological mother. I can see it now, a duet wherein they sing about being Rachel's parents. I love it! I see a top iTunes seller already. If you're feeling saucy you could always get Adam Pascal to be the other dad. He's Jewish, right? It'd be like a Mini Rent reunion!! OH man!# ...Too bad he's a little too rock n' roll for the Jewish dad in Rachel's locker picture.

I'm still not sure who I'd actually like to see in the other role. You'll have to excuse my ignorance of Broadway Musical Jewish stars. I know that John Barrowman has petitioned to be one of the fathers. And I'm sure he's wonderful but... let's look at the picture again. I just don't see it. He's way too pretty.

Looking back on this now, I almost feel the same way about Taye. He's obviously a gorgeous specimen of a man. Look back to the picture. This guys a-ok in his own right, but not exactly "pretty." Going back to the Rent thing (NOTE: I'm not a HUGE fan of Rent. Actually, I didn't think the movie was all that great, which is the only rendition I've seen. It just happens to have a lot of wonderfully, talented people in it)... let's think about Jesse L. Martin. First and foremost, I LOVE his voice. Whew.. that deep, wonderfulness makes me melt. I have to say that he kinda fits the bill when you look at him and look at the picture of the two Dads. Plus, let's face it, he LOOKS more like a Dad.

So, back to Jew-Dad. I've seen around the blogosphere people putting out the name Sean Hayes. Now that's an entertaining idea. He is currently in Promises, Promises with my beloved Kristen Chenoweth. So we know he has some chops. And he DEFINATELY has the personality conveyed in the picture of the Dads. And who doesn't want him back on TV? He's just so gosh-darn likeable.

I recently read an article where Lea said something to you about having Elton John play a special guest cameo as her dad. Wherein, you only see him in the audience. BAD idea. Though funny, there's no longevity there. And we need longevity, Mr. Murphy. We want to see these characters grow and love and we can't do that with a special guest cameo.

You know what would be great to see? Adult, gay role models. I'm ecstatic over where you're taking Kurt's story this season. Over the moon, even. I would really like to see the two dads come on and have the "It gets better" talk with Kurt. Especially in light of recent events in America. They're obviously in a loving relationship and have a talented daughter that - as we learned in the first season - spared no expense to make sure she had everything she ever needed to flourish. If a Fort Worth Councilman can reach thousands of people and at least a few lives, imagine the reach Glee would have with that storyline.

Well, I think I've given you a lot to think about and consider.

Thank you for your time.

Love,
Irma

Dear Emmy Nominees,

You are amazing!

Even though the Golden Globes can't seem to get it right, the Emmys did an admirable job at the unveiling of their nominees this morning.

Biggest highlights are recognition for Jim Parsons for The Big Bang Theory and Kristin Chenoweth for Pushing Daisies. Especially since the latter show was canceled, it'd be sweet as pie if Chenoweth took home the prize.

Nevertheless, there are some snubs that cannot just be overlooked. Cat Deeley deserves to be recognized for her excellent hosting skills on So You Think You Can Dance, even if she is dressed like a rainbow trout tonight. She should easily have taken Heidi Klum's place. Did Project Runway even have a season this year? Cat is easily the best host in the reality competition genre (sorry Phil!).

She could also have the obligatory (and undeserved) nominations for Charlie Sheen, Entourage, or the directing on American Idol. This is a grab bag of TV's absolute worst. If the three ever met, I'm pretty sure my television would melt right into the carpet.

Topped off by the surprising pick of Family Guy for Best Comedy Series, this should be a very interesting Emmys. I'll spend the entire night just hoping Betty White takes home the guest star prize for "Crazy Witch Lady" on My Name is Earl.

Happy someone finally got it more right than wrong,

Patrick James

Dear So You Think You Can Dance,

Even as I watch tonight's performance episode, I can't help but feel a sense of ennui. This season's contestants are so dull. In light of this, as well as the upcoming fall season, I'd like to call for a halt to the auditions. In fact, I think it's time we gave America's dance community a chance to rejuvenate and bring in the All-Stars.

Yes, that's right: I said it. This show needs to bring back some of our favorites from seasons past. It's not like this is American Idol, where we see our winners soar or sink in the public. Dear Pop Culture demands to know what's happening with the dancers who are doing something other than Dancing with the Stars.

So, here's my suggestions for the dancers I'd like to see again, keeping in mind that everyone has to be paired with someone of the opposite sex. Oh, and I'm sitting out the winners. Just because I loved you once doesn't mean I need you to come back steal the show (Benji).

Season 3's runner-up Danny is first on the list. He's been gone for much to long, and didn't seem to find himself until the end of his run. Ballroom chick Chelsie Hightower will take a break from DWTS to spice up Danny's steps and try to create another memorable salsa.

The next male will be season 2's runner-up Travis. He was too phenomenal to be forgotten; so much so that I feel like I should look him up on Twitter right this moment. Cute little Travis will get a cute little mate in b-girl Sara from season 3. Her stuff with Pasha was too good to forget her for an all-star group.

The third man to take his lady will be last season's very Burton-esque Mark. He's so much twisty fun, we couldn't let him sit on the side. Mark's lucky lady will be season 1's jazz-tastic Ashle. Her solos kept her in the game after a ton of crappy partners, so Mark ought to be a breeze for her.

Now, yes, I have called out a lot of contemporary male dancers for my season. Well, season 3's Dominic (now calling himself D-Trix, unfortunately) will break up that trend. Season 1 runner-up Melody will do her very best to make our lone hip hopper stick around. And with her diversity, he's actually got a shot.

If you think I've missed someone, don't call foul yet. Next up is season 1's fastest feet, Artim. Despite his long-time relationship with Carrie Ann Inaba going south, we still love him. Gone-too-soon Allison from season 2 will go step for step with Artim, and they might even be the strongest couple in the bunch, as long as they can avoid krumping.

Artim won't be the only ballroom man to grace our All-Stars though, as Dmitri will return as well. The two of them can have an open-shirt sexy-off and put my wife directly into a pleasure-coma. Sugar-sweet season 4 vet Courtnie Galiano will step up to the plate and try to keep up while not being sexied into submission.

Last season's super-ego Will is going to have to pry Debbie Allen off his junk so he can partner up for with season 2's Sarah Behrnhardt impersonator, Heidi. Her solos are to die for, but lets not forget the beautiful park bench: this girl can adapt.

Finally, putting all of the wanna-be bad boys to shame will be the original, season 1's Blake. It may not be some J-Lo MTV dance life whatever, but he could use the exposure. The only female who might be able to temper Blake's big head is fake-haired Lacey Schwimmer. She'll bring it, and she'll have to if she doesn't want to get stuck in the background.

I'm sure someone's favorite didn't make the cut, but guess what? They stink! Hahah!

Oh, and since we're only featuring the best, Cat Deeley will definitely be on hosting duties. That is all.

Feeling very producer-y,

Patrick James

Dear Heaven,

Give them a warm welcome.

Love,
PnI

Dear Bryan Fuller,

Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

I'm so immensely sad after finishing the first new Pushing Daisies since December. Everything about this show was so perfect that I'm just distraught all over again at its cancellation.

Kristin Chenoweth singing Lionel Richie's "Hello" was simply heaven. The forthcoming comic book series courtesy of DC Comics will be a great way to finish up the remaining storylines, but they just won't be the same without the brilliant musical numbers.

Chi McBride, Anna Friel, Swoozie Kurtz, Ellen Greene, Lee Pace and the aforementioned Chenoweth will all be sorely missed when this three-episode reprieve is up. Nothing on television has brought such joy into the living room of my home as this little wonder. I will probably have to scoop up the DVDs when they're released in July only so that I can enjoy this show over and over.

Your mind is a wonder, Mr. Fuller. And while I'd ultimately rather this show went on, I'm glad that Heroes will benefit from your personal loss. Rest assured, fans are mourning with the same passion that you are, because you've made Ned, Chuck and the whole gang feel like our strange little family.

When these remaining episodes are gone, the most unique procedural on network television will go with it. Never before have I believed so truly that it was better to have loved and lost and never to have loved at all. And with the DVDs, I can just go on loving, even if ABC broke my heart.

Unable to laugh without crying,

Patrick James