Dear Academy of Motion Pictures, aka Oscars, aka People who Suck,

I don't even begin to know where to begin raining down my fury. Your nominees were announced yestereday morning. All I could think as I sat and watched was, "they really just don't care if people watch or not."

I'm all for being snooty and superior just for the sake of it, but it doesn't serve ABC very well when you don't nominate a single bank-breaking movie in a major category. And no, Supporting Actor does not count as a major category. In fact, it's usually the first or second award given out. So no credit for including Heath and Robert Downey, Jr. for you.

It hurts to see The Dark Knight overlooked for both direction and picture, but I can't honestly say I'm surprised. It's a genre film, and they don't fair well with people who only like to witness the Holocaust tragedies over and over again in their Best Pictures.

To be fair, I admit to being a little underwhelmed when I finally saw The Dark Knight, but it was very late in its theatrical run, so I decided I was just hyped too much by what I was reading. And since I haven't actually seen any of the movies that did get nominated for Best Picture, I guess I can't really be too upset about that. In fact, I'll probably enjoy that arrangement more eventually, since I'll spend the Saturday before the ceremony watching all the Best Picture nominees in a bladder-bursting marathon at my local AMC.

Still, I can't forgive you for deciding that the ceremony need not be watched by the ignorant masses. I like that you have taste, and would honestly prefer you maintain it. But, throwing Wall-E or The Dark Knight or something with some cha-ching at the box office probably would have helped with the Nielsens. Especially with ratings sagging across the board, and for your yearly gathering every year since Titanic. So, you didn't have to let it win, but giving a big-money movie a major nod somewhere could have helped tremendously.

So, just to be straight, not angry with your selections in general, since I've seen maybe four movies this year and I knew House Bunny was never going to make it. Just mad you've sabotaged yourselves again with the general public and decided to eventually give up and move to E! where I'll be forced to watch Kim Kardashian (aka Huge Ass, aka that other bitch famous for making a sex tape) interview Meryl Streep on the finer points of shimmying. For shame, Academy. I'd like to thank you not.

Whinily,

Patrick James

Dear Ralph Macchio,

Thank you for stepping out of the woodwork to publicly "lash out" at these stupid Hollywood film makers for continually RUINING films of old by "remaking" them.

I was first appalled when I heard there was going to be a live action Scooby Doo movie. I was even more enraged when I found out who the stars were going to be... And Linda Cardellini as VELMA?! She was/is far too attractive to be my favorite star of that cartoon! Velma was like me.. Short, awkward, unfashionable. But kudos to Ms. Cardellini for stickin' to her guns and getting the Dorothy Hamill wig. Nevertheless, I refused to have anything to do with that movie. It was my silent boycott of taking something I loved and pissing all over it.

I was equally disturbed recently when I heard about the Fraggle Rock live action movie. I have three letters for that.. W-T-F. Seriously? The list of things wrong with this is longer than I would ever want to transcribe in this meger blog.

And now... Ooooh Hollywood, now you've done it. You're remaking The Karate Kid?! How could you! How could you even think about it! Pat Morita is probably spinning in his tiny grave at the thought. How will a young Jayden Smith's character ever work on Mr. Miyagi's house enough to get an old-school (amazing!) car? How will he ever go on a date with the girl from the valley and be cast aside because he's from Recita? And what about the best part of the movie when Mr. Miyagi has to save Daniel from the group of guys that are savagly beating him after the Halloween party? How will that look like anything but some guy assalting some kids? Unless you condone that kind of thing. For shaaaaame, Hollywood!!

In an interview with MTV.com, you said:

"It feels pretty good that some people are pretty angry that they're trying to remake The Karate Kid. It feels good that the public feels you don't touch certain things. Some times you go back to that, and probably shouldn't.

From my personal view, the filling the void of what Mr. Miyagi was - and the magic of that character - is going to be the toughest task. I (also) don't know where the romantic story-arc goes (with Smith's Daniel) at that age.. "

Thank you, Daniel-son.

Love,
Irma

Ps. Hollywood, if you ever touch Back to the Future. I'll cut you.

Dear Midseason TV,

Welcome back! And for the few newcomers I'm interested in, you'd better live up to the high standard set by the existing grouping of January programming.

Some of these shows have already debuted, such as Superstars of Dance, True Beauty and Momma's Boys. Each of these shows seemed promising, if only for the trainwreck/entertainment factor. Sadly, each has disappointed and been either maddenly dumb, or just plain boring thus far. Promos for True Beauty show potential for promise, but I'd give up on the other two if I were the kind of person who could do that midstream. As it is, I'll probably not return for a second season (though ratings indicate neither is a sure bet for a sophomore outing at all).

Upcoming things to look forward to still include some Joss Whedon love, in the form of his new show Dollhouse, starring Faith--er, Eliza Dushku as a cross between Alias's Sydney Bristow and a fembot. Also, Firefly and Serenity alum Nathan Fillion stars in the Bones-esque procedural Castle. Both of these shows sound pretty enjoyable on the surface, but the total lack of commercials for both makes me a little nervous about their quality. Especially given the shooting of a new pilot for Dollhouse and it's lameduck programming slot on Friday nights paired with underperforming Sarah Connor Chronicles, this show seems destined for a short run if it doesn't catch on quick. Fillion alone should lift up the humor factor on Castle, but the premise is going to need some serious hook to compete with the existing oversaturation of procedural dramas. Hopefully, it'll work out for him though.

The biggest news of the January TV premieres are the returning shows. While these other shows are/were unknown quantities, some of the most anticipated shows air only in the spring.

I'm ecstatic to hear that American Idol was tweaking it's first several weeks this season, eliminating the endless nights of horrible performances and overconfident hacks in place of showing actually talented performers. The first half of Idol was always the part that appealed to me the least, and I'd actually skip it if I wasn't so interested in seeing the complete journey of the people I'll eventually get to vote for (though I imagine I'll be uninspired to actually vote, as I have been ever since Chris Daughtry was given the boot and Taylor Hicks went on the win in the shows biggest farce of a season ever.) I also love that Hollywood week will be extended, as it was my favorite part of the debut season of the show, and that the wildcard round is being brought back, as it proved effective with both RJ Helton (who placed 5th in season 1) and Clay Aiken. This is an opportunity to give someone good a second chance to prove themselves after stumbling earlier in a high-pressure situation.

Medium is a small show that I used to describe as "the sign you know you're a 50+ year old woman." However, during the writers strike last January, this is a show that my wife and I fell in love with. I love the sci-fi premise with the procedural/family drama mixed in. Since last season was really short, I didn't get a full flavor of the show, but it was enough to whet my appetite for more in the weeks to come.

But the two biggest shows coming back for me are 24 and Lost, and I couldn't feel more differently about the two of them. 24 is the show I used to LOVE and watch every week religiously, even during my busiest college days. However, it didn't air at all last year and the year before that, I actually lost interest in the show in about hour 6, and never saw the end of the season widely dissed as the worst in the show's history. Lost, however, was the show I dismissed right away, without ever watching, as someone annoying and short-lived, that I didn't have time to invest in. Last year, as a result of this same writers strike, I decided to give the first season a shot. Roughly a year later, I'm completely hooked on this show and find myself compelled to watch every moment as soon as possible. They won't exactly be competing with each other since they air on different nights, but I find myself only really wanting to invest in my new love, perhaps casting Jack Bauer aside. A single lingering desire to watch 24 rests in the casting of Janeane Garofalo. She's a great treat to see in mostly anything, and I can't wait for her dry, bitchy bite to dig in at CTU.

Even though my wife finds Lost's Kate to be more annoying than Momma's Boy's Mrs. B, I'm anxious to get back to the island, I'll be counting the days until I find out whether she gets to keep Aaron, or he goes back to his spontaneously insane birth-mother Claire. And I can't get enough of this January TV...except for you, Michael Flatley.

Excited,

Patrick James

Dear DTV,

While I appreciate the government making some bizarre attempt to improve the quality of my at-home entertainment, I smell a conspiracy here.

 

I have two TVs in my house: one in my living room with a DVR box attached to it, and another in my bedroom that I use predominantly to watch DVDs and the news as I'm getting ready in the morning.  With DTV rolling in just a short month away, I'll be unable to watch even my local news without some more hardware invading my house.

 

You see, the options seem to be immensely limiting in regards to adjusting to this new technological requirement.  I can either go and buy a converter box, or contact my local cable provider and buy another box from them.  Obviously, the government has conspired with Time Warner to make certain that I pay them an extra $10 for a second DVR box.  I mean, that really is the only option, after all.  Why would anyone go and buy a converter box when you could just extend the cable package you're already got?  Even with the coupons, I'm not remotely interested in putting a big reminder of how old and decrepit my TV is right next to it atop my dresser.

 

So, I hope the Washington bigwigs who decided to meddle in my TV watching life are going to get a cut from the cable companies.  And it better be a sweet cut, too, for all the dough I'm sure they've had to fork out on annoying commercials endlessly reminding me that I'll need another box just to enjoy the news.

 

The real tragedy about the whole conspiracy though is the net result it will have on my free time.  With two DVR boxes in my house, I'll be even more likely to entrench myself in my DVR glut.  Not only can I setup the main box in the living room for my first-rate, must-watch shows like Lost or Heroes, but now I can setup the backup box to record third and fourth shows in an hour, meaning more room for stuff I would otherwise have been able to convince myself to avoid like the ever alluring Dancing with the Stars (guilty pleasure sometimes, just plain annoying always).  So, if I disappear sometime in Febraury never to be seen from again, and wither away into a horrible husk of my former self until I perish in front of a Shear Genius marathon, I want the vigilante justice taken out on the US government.

 

Always an eye on the future,

 

Patrick James