Dear Academy of Motion Pictures, aka Oscars, aka People who Suck,

I don't even begin to know where to begin raining down my fury. Your nominees were announced yestereday morning. All I could think as I sat and watched was, "they really just don't care if people watch or not."

I'm all for being snooty and superior just for the sake of it, but it doesn't serve ABC very well when you don't nominate a single bank-breaking movie in a major category. And no, Supporting Actor does not count as a major category. In fact, it's usually the first or second award given out. So no credit for including Heath and Robert Downey, Jr. for you.

It hurts to see The Dark Knight overlooked for both direction and picture, but I can't honestly say I'm surprised. It's a genre film, and they don't fair well with people who only like to witness the Holocaust tragedies over and over again in their Best Pictures.

To be fair, I admit to being a little underwhelmed when I finally saw The Dark Knight, but it was very late in its theatrical run, so I decided I was just hyped too much by what I was reading. And since I haven't actually seen any of the movies that did get nominated for Best Picture, I guess I can't really be too upset about that. In fact, I'll probably enjoy that arrangement more eventually, since I'll spend the Saturday before the ceremony watching all the Best Picture nominees in a bladder-bursting marathon at my local AMC.

Still, I can't forgive you for deciding that the ceremony need not be watched by the ignorant masses. I like that you have taste, and would honestly prefer you maintain it. But, throwing Wall-E or The Dark Knight or something with some cha-ching at the box office probably would have helped with the Nielsens. Especially with ratings sagging across the board, and for your yearly gathering every year since Titanic. So, you didn't have to let it win, but giving a big-money movie a major nod somewhere could have helped tremendously.

So, just to be straight, not angry with your selections in general, since I've seen maybe four movies this year and I knew House Bunny was never going to make it. Just mad you've sabotaged yourselves again with the general public and decided to eventually give up and move to E! where I'll be forced to watch Kim Kardashian (aka Huge Ass, aka that other bitch famous for making a sex tape) interview Meryl Streep on the finer points of shimmying. For shame, Academy. I'd like to thank you not.

Whinily,

Patrick James

Dear Ralph Macchio,

Thank you for stepping out of the woodwork to publicly "lash out" at these stupid Hollywood film makers for continually RUINING films of old by "remaking" them.

I was first appalled when I heard there was going to be a live action Scooby Doo movie. I was even more enraged when I found out who the stars were going to be... And Linda Cardellini as VELMA?! She was/is far too attractive to be my favorite star of that cartoon! Velma was like me.. Short, awkward, unfashionable. But kudos to Ms. Cardellini for stickin' to her guns and getting the Dorothy Hamill wig. Nevertheless, I refused to have anything to do with that movie. It was my silent boycott of taking something I loved and pissing all over it.

I was equally disturbed recently when I heard about the Fraggle Rock live action movie. I have three letters for that.. W-T-F. Seriously? The list of things wrong with this is longer than I would ever want to transcribe in this meger blog.

And now... Ooooh Hollywood, now you've done it. You're remaking The Karate Kid?! How could you! How could you even think about it! Pat Morita is probably spinning in his tiny grave at the thought. How will a young Jayden Smith's character ever work on Mr. Miyagi's house enough to get an old-school (amazing!) car? How will he ever go on a date with the girl from the valley and be cast aside because he's from Recita? And what about the best part of the movie when Mr. Miyagi has to save Daniel from the group of guys that are savagly beating him after the Halloween party? How will that look like anything but some guy assalting some kids? Unless you condone that kind of thing. For shaaaaame, Hollywood!!

In an interview with MTV.com, you said:

"It feels pretty good that some people are pretty angry that they're trying to remake The Karate Kid. It feels good that the public feels you don't touch certain things. Some times you go back to that, and probably shouldn't.

From my personal view, the filling the void of what Mr. Miyagi was - and the magic of that character - is going to be the toughest task. I (also) don't know where the romantic story-arc goes (with Smith's Daniel) at that age.. "

Thank you, Daniel-son.

Love,
Irma

Ps. Hollywood, if you ever touch Back to the Future. I'll cut you.

Dear Midseason TV,

Welcome back! And for the few newcomers I'm interested in, you'd better live up to the high standard set by the existing grouping of January programming.

Some of these shows have already debuted, such as Superstars of Dance, True Beauty and Momma's Boys. Each of these shows seemed promising, if only for the trainwreck/entertainment factor. Sadly, each has disappointed and been either maddenly dumb, or just plain boring thus far. Promos for True Beauty show potential for promise, but I'd give up on the other two if I were the kind of person who could do that midstream. As it is, I'll probably not return for a second season (though ratings indicate neither is a sure bet for a sophomore outing at all).

Upcoming things to look forward to still include some Joss Whedon love, in the form of his new show Dollhouse, starring Faith--er, Eliza Dushku as a cross between Alias's Sydney Bristow and a fembot. Also, Firefly and Serenity alum Nathan Fillion stars in the Bones-esque procedural Castle. Both of these shows sound pretty enjoyable on the surface, but the total lack of commercials for both makes me a little nervous about their quality. Especially given the shooting of a new pilot for Dollhouse and it's lameduck programming slot on Friday nights paired with underperforming Sarah Connor Chronicles, this show seems destined for a short run if it doesn't catch on quick. Fillion alone should lift up the humor factor on Castle, but the premise is going to need some serious hook to compete with the existing oversaturation of procedural dramas. Hopefully, it'll work out for him though.

The biggest news of the January TV premieres are the returning shows. While these other shows are/were unknown quantities, some of the most anticipated shows air only in the spring.

I'm ecstatic to hear that American Idol was tweaking it's first several weeks this season, eliminating the endless nights of horrible performances and overconfident hacks in place of showing actually talented performers. The first half of Idol was always the part that appealed to me the least, and I'd actually skip it if I wasn't so interested in seeing the complete journey of the people I'll eventually get to vote for (though I imagine I'll be uninspired to actually vote, as I have been ever since Chris Daughtry was given the boot and Taylor Hicks went on the win in the shows biggest farce of a season ever.) I also love that Hollywood week will be extended, as it was my favorite part of the debut season of the show, and that the wildcard round is being brought back, as it proved effective with both RJ Helton (who placed 5th in season 1) and Clay Aiken. This is an opportunity to give someone good a second chance to prove themselves after stumbling earlier in a high-pressure situation.

Medium is a small show that I used to describe as "the sign you know you're a 50+ year old woman." However, during the writers strike last January, this is a show that my wife and I fell in love with. I love the sci-fi premise with the procedural/family drama mixed in. Since last season was really short, I didn't get a full flavor of the show, but it was enough to whet my appetite for more in the weeks to come.

But the two biggest shows coming back for me are 24 and Lost, and I couldn't feel more differently about the two of them. 24 is the show I used to LOVE and watch every week religiously, even during my busiest college days. However, it didn't air at all last year and the year before that, I actually lost interest in the show in about hour 6, and never saw the end of the season widely dissed as the worst in the show's history. Lost, however, was the show I dismissed right away, without ever watching, as someone annoying and short-lived, that I didn't have time to invest in. Last year, as a result of this same writers strike, I decided to give the first season a shot. Roughly a year later, I'm completely hooked on this show and find myself compelled to watch every moment as soon as possible. They won't exactly be competing with each other since they air on different nights, but I find myself only really wanting to invest in my new love, perhaps casting Jack Bauer aside. A single lingering desire to watch 24 rests in the casting of Janeane Garofalo. She's a great treat to see in mostly anything, and I can't wait for her dry, bitchy bite to dig in at CTU.

Even though my wife finds Lost's Kate to be more annoying than Momma's Boy's Mrs. B, I'm anxious to get back to the island, I'll be counting the days until I find out whether she gets to keep Aaron, or he goes back to his spontaneously insane birth-mother Claire. And I can't get enough of this January TV...except for you, Michael Flatley.

Excited,

Patrick James

Dear DTV,

While I appreciate the government making some bizarre attempt to improve the quality of my at-home entertainment, I smell a conspiracy here.

 

I have two TVs in my house: one in my living room with a DVR box attached to it, and another in my bedroom that I use predominantly to watch DVDs and the news as I'm getting ready in the morning.  With DTV rolling in just a short month away, I'll be unable to watch even my local news without some more hardware invading my house.

 

You see, the options seem to be immensely limiting in regards to adjusting to this new technological requirement.  I can either go and buy a converter box, or contact my local cable provider and buy another box from them.  Obviously, the government has conspired with Time Warner to make certain that I pay them an extra $10 for a second DVR box.  I mean, that really is the only option, after all.  Why would anyone go and buy a converter box when you could just extend the cable package you're already got?  Even with the coupons, I'm not remotely interested in putting a big reminder of how old and decrepit my TV is right next to it atop my dresser.

 

So, I hope the Washington bigwigs who decided to meddle in my TV watching life are going to get a cut from the cable companies.  And it better be a sweet cut, too, for all the dough I'm sure they've had to fork out on annoying commercials endlessly reminding me that I'll need another box just to enjoy the news.

 

The real tragedy about the whole conspiracy though is the net result it will have on my free time.  With two DVR boxes in my house, I'll be even more likely to entrench myself in my DVR glut.  Not only can I setup the main box in the living room for my first-rate, must-watch shows like Lost or Heroes, but now I can setup the backup box to record third and fourth shows in an hour, meaning more room for stuff I would otherwise have been able to convince myself to avoid like the ever alluring Dancing with the Stars (guilty pleasure sometimes, just plain annoying always).  So, if I disappear sometime in Febraury never to be seen from again, and wither away into a horrible husk of my former self until I perish in front of a Shear Genius marathon, I want the vigilante justice taken out on the US government.

 

Always an eye on the future,

 

Patrick James

 

Dear Obama/Biden Puppy Watchers,

It's very nice that an enormous amount of people are taking a deep interest in the fact that President-Elect Obama and VP-Elect Biden are in the market for a puppy. However....

Let me preface by saying I am all for rescuing puppies/dogs/cats/anything with a heartbeat. Take for instance my Boxer, Buster, that was rescued from a house where he was tormented by Rottweilers. Or my other wonderful Boston Terrier/Pug, Miko, who was almost sent to a rescue facility by a relative until I intervened. There's also my Hurricane Katrina survivor cat, Scapino, with a heart condition and third ear nubbin. And let's not forget the kitten, Sparrow, we recently acquired by way of a crate out of some ladies suburban.

But come on! Aren't you taking a bit far? Saying that these people would be "heartless" to do anything but go to a shelter and rescue a puppy? I mean, that's like saying... You're a worthless human being if you just decide to have a baby instead of adopting one. It's just ludicrous. I'm not saying they should be able to go to the closest puppy mill and pick them out a winner. But if they wanted a German Shepherd from the Rin-Tin-Tin line or a Siberian Husky descended from a Snow Dog why can't they do that? Seriously. I didn't hear anyone giving Paris Hilton grief when she bought a Chihuahua from Pets of Bel Air in LA. Even Barney Bush was a designer dog of sorts coming from a lineage. Buddy, Lucky, Rex, and so on and so on which of these came from your beloved shelters?

Why does it matter NOW? Why is it SO important? Can't you just let two little girls get the puppy they want without having to hope that you won't be mad at them for loving something you don't approve of?

Get over yourselves.

Love,
Irma

Dear Golden Globes,

I'll try to keep this as short and sweet as possible.

Every year, you announce your picks for the best in TV and movies. Aside from being nothing more than a glorified cocktail party for all the Hollywood types who had projects in the last year, or projects coming up in summer 2009, your sole purpose is to forecast and influence the results of my beloved Oscars. While I'm sure I'd take issues with many of your picks this year, as in years past, I haven't been to the movies much this year (economy and all). Thus, I'm left to critique the more affordable of your picks: TV.

I'm a devoted TV watcher, and my DVR glut is well documented (see previous blog). So, it is with much sadness that I notice two glaring omissions from the nominees for television honors.

The first of these was, I thought, a given: Jim Parsons for his hilariously committed work as Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory. With CBS receiving only one nod (in the very worthy Neil Patrick Harris), this snub is especially noticeable and shameful. You can be certain this Supporting Actor will receive his due when the Emmys roll around. His work is insanely funny, and instantly quotable. Oh, and much better than that of Jeremy Piven and the hoard of other so-so talents occupying this overstuffed category.

The second oversight is one I will take particularly hard, as she will not be eligible for this award again: Kristin Chenoweth for the brilliantly plucky Olive on the (lamentably) canceled Pushing Daisies. Aside from this show being a real standout among the comedy genre, with its fresh stories and outstanding casting, Olive is the most fascinating character among them. Only Chenoweth could have brought such an energy and passion to the former horse jockey-turned-lovelorn PI in training. Also, as the only character not privy to Ned's secret, she's allowed to take a comic tone at almost every turn without focusing on the gooey drama between the lead characters. Her vocal talents alone should vaunt her to the top of this otherwise unimpressive heap (Melissa George = blech!). You've now missed your only chance at honoring this soon-to-be missed highlight of TV in the post-strike swath of reality and other crap.

You can atone for your sins with a respectful nod to Jim Parsons next year, as his show is sure to be returning, but I wouldn't be too upset if Kristin Chenoweth arranged for a certain former acquaintance to drop a house on you.

Disenchantedly,

Patrick James

Dear DVR,

I've been reading a lot about this this called "DVR guilt," a backlash problem people are having with a build-up of television programming on their box that they just can't get to.

 

A quick inventory shows me I've got the entire season thus far of The Mentalist, and the entire last season of The Pick-Up Artist (embarrassing, I know, but it's so funny).  Also, there's three Without a Traces, a Dirty Sexy Money, three or four LA Inks and Dr. 90210s, three Houses, and a Work Out marathon thanks to Bravo.  I'm sure there is a bunch of other things there as well, but these are the biggest offenders.  We only just cleared down Dirty Sexy Money from the whole season to just that one episode a week or so ago, and watched two Pushing Daisies to catch up before the series (unfortunate) finale.

 

Why can't I just let go?  Even when the series isn't that good (Dirty Sexy Money) or as good as it used to be (House)?  Because i'm invested, that's why!

 

I like watching TV from all spectrums of entertainment.  Everything from the highly honored and respected to the downright ridiculous (ie Pick-Up Artist).  I invest in the characters and I refuse to let go for the most part.  Sometimes I'm willing to cut the cord if a show didn't blow me away off the bat, or got bad reviews before I ever even started watching (Fringe).  But once I'm hooked, I tend to stay there through all of the nightmarishly bad storylines right to the bitter end.

 

Not everything, though, can achieve my full attention the way that a new Amazing Race or Heroes can.  Some things just have to take a back-burner.  And sometimes those things will stay on the back-burner for quite a while.  But as long as the heat is still on, and as long as I'm still interested, that sucker is going to keep getting recorded.

 

Besides, this whole point will be moot when DTV rolls around in february and forces me to get a second DVR box in my bedroom so I can watch the news in the morning.  (And maybe record a Lost or Charm School marathon while it's just sitting there.

 

Cavalierly,

 

Patrick James