Dear Life on Mars,

Heading into your series finale, I have to let you know this: I've lost interest.

I tried, believe me. My wife loves time-travel (Quantum Leap and Back to the Future being the most prominent), so we tuned in eagerly to watch when you debuted in the fall. Even after word of your cancellation came down, we remained excited that at least the big mystery of how and why Sam went back in time would be answered.

At this point though, I could care less. It's going to feel more like an after-thought to the show, something I think of right after Michael Imperioli's righteous hair/'stache combo, and the underwhelming return of Lisa Bonet (and Gretchen Mol, for that matter).

Around the time that you slot-switched to Wednesdays, you seem to have abandoned focus. The last three episodes or so have been especially strange. I swear, even Lost is not this confusing, with the moving island/time travel/smoke monster thing taken into account. I had to actually rewatch the first 10 minutes of the last episode just to figure out what the hell was going on. And ultimately, it was not worth my 20 minutes.

I'll be sad to see you go, since Jason O'Mara is a pretty talented guy, and the rest of the ensemble is strong as well, but I just find myself feeling empty about the whole thing. If love's opposite is indifference, then I'm afraid we're as far from being in love as can be.

I'll tune in for your final episode, but more out of my stupid sense of obligation to see the series through to the end than because I'm still engaged. Perhaps this send-off will be just what the doctor ordered, and will serve up a helping of what the show always promised to be, but I'm afraid it'll be too late for me by then. As regards this show, I'm already terminal.

Flatlining,

Patrick James

Dear Marvel Comics,

I know that you've heard a lot of commentary on your price increases on certain "premium" titles of your line, but that doesn't mean you're not going to get another opinion...Because You Demanded It!

Now I'm aware that the people who's names we recognize like Joe Quesada and Axel Alonso and the like aren't really involved in the prices that their books sell for, they just edit the content. No ill will directed at the editorial staff, or the writers and artists on the books that received the price-gouging either. This is for the marketing (or whichever department is directly responsible) crew that decided it was more worthwhile to hang on to low performers than to cut their losses and move on.

I realize that every book has it's hundred of thousands of fans, even the ones that are not doing so well. And while it makes me sad when I book that I enjoy gets canned, as happened with my beloved Mystique so long ago, I believe culling the weak is for the best. That right, Marvel; I'm saying you should treat your business according to the Apocalypse's Guide to Management (and Mutants). Only the fittest can survive, which means that much-loved low performers should be culled to make way for the better sellers. And while I realize this means parting ways with the Runaways, it's really gone down-hill fast in the last year anyways.

This purging of the lowest sellers has been the business model at Marvel for years and years, so the change to this new technique is both unexpected and unappreciated, at least by this fan. I didn't have to like it when Hawkeye or Mystique were canceled, but I understood why it needed to happen.

Instead, you've jacked up your cover prices on ten of the twenty-one Marvel titles that I'm currently buying. Since this was explained as a move to boost the threshold books like Captain Britain & MI:13, I have to say I don't care for it. With the prices on so many of my books going up permanently by May, I have promptly dropped two of those ten from my pull list. When the five mini-series that make up my current intake are gone, I'll see to it they are not replaced also. This'll leave only New Avengers, Thor and Runaways with a regular $3.99 price tag in my reading. Please note that this means that instead of gaining an extra $10 from me every month, you'll be losing $7.

Runaways is particularly perplexing, as it should be one of the bubble-books protected by the increase on these other, highly performing titles, but I'm sure someone could explain that one to me as something else entirely. Still, if it ends up on the cancellation line, as I feel certain it will without a creative invigoration, I'll be down to just two, and maybe even one. I can buy the trades on some of these books, though I'm sure they will increase proportionately as well. In the end, all you're doing to this reader is forcing me to do what the economy is encouraging me to do anyways: spend less money.

It's too bad for freshly debuting titles like Spider-Woman and Dark Avengers that are going to get to start out with the $3.99 tag, because I don't see interest sticking around while there's plenty of quality reading down in the $2.99 range. Spider-Woman fans will find Ms. Marvel and Dark Avengers will find Mighty, and so on. Good luck to both of them, but you really should have known better.


Thanks for sparing most of the X-line and the cosmic titles, for now, since they'll make up the new core of my reading. Heck, maybe Nova will even get a bump from people ditching Captain America (a very fine book) to pick up something of equal quality for a fairer price.

Hopefully this experiment will be short-lived, and there will be much apologizing and reinstating of lower prices. But, I'm sure the greedy folks in the corporate offices would never allow that to happen, so I'll just dwindle until I'm just following along with the online recaps. So long, monthlies!

Despondently,

Patrick James

Dear Rihanna,

I want to personally thank you for getting back with Chris Brown. Way to show the girls and young women of the world how to act responsibly in an adult relationship.

What's better than to let someone bludgeon your face then to maintain your relationship with them so that they could possibly do it again? I mean that shows your true love for the man (I use the word "man" loosely), and your commitment.

We've all known Tina and Ike, and God knows we all love Tina! I mean, maybe (and probably) from all this you'll get your own made for TV movie! And even maybe they'll take some artistic licenses and let the actor playing Chris Brown beat the actress playing you with an umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh..

Let's not forget to mention all the magazine sales you are responsible for. I mean this economy is tough. We need people like you to do completely stupid things so we can talk about them. I mean I wouldn't even be writing this blog (p.s. click a link! mama needs a new handbag)! And don't forget the people coming out of the woodwork to offer you FREE relationship advice! I mean people pay good money for that and they're just throwing it at you! You're so genius!

So many happy returns, Rihanna! May your remaining days with your loved one be as full of happiness and glee as the previous times have been. Maybe next time you'll just show up to the awards ceremony post-attack so we can see the extent of your love for each other. How nice.

Love,
Irma

Dear Heroes,

When is the last time you've seen a geek? Really, I know that you go to conventions and promote your show in various ways that would require you to meet your audience and perhaps even a comic book shop employee here and there. Let me assure you, in case you are all blind, they do not look like this.



While I can appreciate the need to cast attractive people on TV, I think it's a little absurd that this guy even my wife thinks is hot was cast as a LCS worker (that's "Local Comic Shop for those not in the know). Especially because he was then required to be shot without a shirt on, thereby emphasizing his hotness (something devoid of the average LCS outside of the books themselves).

Also, how about we not use him to tie another love story down to Claire? Does no one remember the West Debacle of season 2? Rest assured in your writers room that we do, and we have not forgiven. The only love story we're interested in seeing between Claire and her uncle (in fact, strike that one too, and teach the actors not to give googly eyes to each other; they're related, for God's sake!).

So, while I hope for the best for Aqualad and his useless power, I'm sure he only serves as cannon fodder to shore up some future doubt Claire might have about being a hero or fighting the good fight, or blah blah blah. It's all basically the same story over and over again with a few recasts each time, but hey, that's one of the things people like about their comics (and comics-related TV) in the first place.

In summation, ditch the love story, fry the fish, and the next time cast someone working at a comic book shop, which I'm sure will be soon, since we've featured them heavily of late, try avoiding someone with a six-pack. It just stretches the imagination too far.

Realistically,

Patrick James

Dear Kris Allen,

I'm hoping you don't "change your ways." Unless it involves changing that weird sideways jaw thing you do when you go for the big note.

Way to go, Mr. Outta-Nowhere Contestant! I sat at home watching the Wednesday night show and when they introduced you Patrick and I turned to each other and said in unison, "Who?" I was ready to forget you. I'm pretty sure America was ready to forget you. Then we heard what you were going to sing, Man in the Mirror by THE Michael Jackson. I immediately thought out loud, "Oh man, this guy's a goner for sure." Especially right on the heels of Stephen Fowler's blunder while trying to take on the King of Pop. You remember Paula saying that "you don't touch" any of his songs. This is probably my favorite Michael Jackson song so you already had two strikes against you in my book.

But then, Mr. Allen, you sang.

I pretty much watched you with my jaw resting on my lap. And I couldn't wait to hear what the judges would say.

Forget what Kara said! I'm sure she was just following suit of the disasters that preceded your performance. Yours was definitely not any such thing. I fully agreed with the three O.G. judges when they said you nailed it.

Last night there was something very endearing about the way you were so seemingly sad to see that it would come down to you and Megan Corkery. It was like you looked at her and "knew" your fate was sealed because of how much all four judges liked her. I personally didn't vote for her because I thought she was boring and that weird semi-Chubby Checker style twist was completely annoying. I had faith America would think so too.

So way to go! And for not listening when they basically said DON'T sing Michael! But I bet by that time it was too late anyway.

Ps. If I could offer one bit of advice... Stop that jaw thing. It's weird.

Love,
Irma

Dear Kayne West,

I will bring this blog the indignity of mentioning your name just this once to say a few simple words:

SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

I'm sure you think it's cute or funny to say whatever comes to your pint-sized mind. But I'm sure the Grammy committee didn't really think it was funny of you to introduce Best New Artist with commentary about how you were never nominated for that particular award. Haven't they kissed your ungrateful ass enough by awarding you with prize after prize and providing you an outlet to perform live? Thank God they were smart enough to refrain from booking you to "sing" something from your new album. We were all spared.

The only thing that would be worse is if you were just being dead serious. This is annoyingly plausible, since you're an infamous ass. This would make you immensely pompous, to decide that you need to interrupt your script to throw in some commentary dissing the very people who invited you to perform and speak.

I hope that you someday get the rude awakening that is so due to you. You are the poorest role model imaginable. I would go so far as to say that you make Britney Spears look like an ideal aspiration. You encourage a generation of self-entitled young people to be even more self-involved, as well as rude, talentless and disrespectful at every possible turn. It's really a shame that you're still famous.

So, that's all I've got for you today, and hopefully this will be the last time I ever have to type your name.

Wishing bad things on you (Kayne, not the readers of this blog),

Patrick James

Dear X-Men Editors,

STOP IT WITH THE MINI-SERIES ALREADY!!!

As a fan in a tough economic time, I can't stand that you keep putting out so many freaking mini-series for me to follow.

Fortunately, I'm not a big Wolverine fan, just an X-Men fan in general, so I'll skip all of his solo minis outright. Still, this month that meant that I have purchased Worlds Apart, X-Infernus, Manifest Destiny and Kingbreaker. The only reason I skipped Ghost Boxes is because I can't understand what the hell is happening in Astonishing X-Men in the first place.

What's even more upsetting is that excluding only Manifest Destiny, all of these stories could have been told in the main books. And they would all have been better than what is happening in the main books right now! Instead, you're asking me to spend an additional $3.99 each for what should have been in Uncanny anyways instead of the S&M-tastic return of Madelyne Pryor.

We the fans deserve to know what's been happening since "The Rise and Fall of the Shi'Ar Empire" to the characters who were abandoned at the story's end without having to pick up two mini-series with a third looming on the horizon in War of Kings. We deserved some followup to "Quest for Magik" that didn't involve buying something extra.

It wouldn't burn so incredibly badly in my wallet if the quality of these books was not so much higher than that of the core books. Worlds Apart felt like a story that would have been told in the eighties had circumstances been the same, and it would have been right in Uncanny. So what if it sidelines a few other characters for an arc? That's what happens in a team dynamic!

I'm just asking for a slowdown to the number of stories being published because it's obvious a streamlining will help in quality. These contained stories seem to be infinitely more fascinating. Not to mention that, in recent memory, these mini-series seem to be more germinating to the next crop of creators than what's happening in the ongoing books. The core books, now that there are three of them, should be plenty of space to tell the stories that need to be told.

So, I'm sure you'll advertise three new mini-series tomorrow and totally ignore this post, but know that at some point, my budget is going to give and something is getting dropped *coughAstonishingcoughLegacycough*.

Broke,

Patrick James