Dear Emmy Nominees,

You are amazing!

Even though the Golden Globes can't seem to get it right, the Emmys did an admirable job at the unveiling of their nominees this morning.

Biggest highlights are recognition for Jim Parsons for The Big Bang Theory and Kristin Chenoweth for Pushing Daisies. Especially since the latter show was canceled, it'd be sweet as pie if Chenoweth took home the prize.

Nevertheless, there are some snubs that cannot just be overlooked. Cat Deeley deserves to be recognized for her excellent hosting skills on So You Think You Can Dance, even if she is dressed like a rainbow trout tonight. She should easily have taken Heidi Klum's place. Did Project Runway even have a season this year? Cat is easily the best host in the reality competition genre (sorry Phil!).

She could also have the obligatory (and undeserved) nominations for Charlie Sheen, Entourage, or the directing on American Idol. This is a grab bag of TV's absolute worst. If the three ever met, I'm pretty sure my television would melt right into the carpet.

Topped off by the surprising pick of Family Guy for Best Comedy Series, this should be a very interesting Emmys. I'll spend the entire night just hoping Betty White takes home the guest star prize for "Crazy Witch Lady" on My Name is Earl.

Happy someone finally got it more right than wrong,

Patrick James

Dear So You Think You Can Dance,

Even as I watch tonight's performance episode, I can't help but feel a sense of ennui. This season's contestants are so dull. In light of this, as well as the upcoming fall season, I'd like to call for a halt to the auditions. In fact, I think it's time we gave America's dance community a chance to rejuvenate and bring in the All-Stars.

Yes, that's right: I said it. This show needs to bring back some of our favorites from seasons past. It's not like this is American Idol, where we see our winners soar or sink in the public. Dear Pop Culture demands to know what's happening with the dancers who are doing something other than Dancing with the Stars.

So, here's my suggestions for the dancers I'd like to see again, keeping in mind that everyone has to be paired with someone of the opposite sex. Oh, and I'm sitting out the winners. Just because I loved you once doesn't mean I need you to come back steal the show (Benji).

Season 3's runner-up Danny is first on the list. He's been gone for much to long, and didn't seem to find himself until the end of his run. Ballroom chick Chelsie Hightower will take a break from DWTS to spice up Danny's steps and try to create another memorable salsa.

The next male will be season 2's runner-up Travis. He was too phenomenal to be forgotten; so much so that I feel like I should look him up on Twitter right this moment. Cute little Travis will get a cute little mate in b-girl Sara from season 3. Her stuff with Pasha was too good to forget her for an all-star group.

The third man to take his lady will be last season's very Burton-esque Mark. He's so much twisty fun, we couldn't let him sit on the side. Mark's lucky lady will be season 1's jazz-tastic Ashle. Her solos kept her in the game after a ton of crappy partners, so Mark ought to be a breeze for her.

Now, yes, I have called out a lot of contemporary male dancers for my season. Well, season 3's Dominic (now calling himself D-Trix, unfortunately) will break up that trend. Season 1 runner-up Melody will do her very best to make our lone hip hopper stick around. And with her diversity, he's actually got a shot.

If you think I've missed someone, don't call foul yet. Next up is season 1's fastest feet, Artim. Despite his long-time relationship with Carrie Ann Inaba going south, we still love him. Gone-too-soon Allison from season 2 will go step for step with Artim, and they might even be the strongest couple in the bunch, as long as they can avoid krumping.

Artim won't be the only ballroom man to grace our All-Stars though, as Dmitri will return as well. The two of them can have an open-shirt sexy-off and put my wife directly into a pleasure-coma. Sugar-sweet season 4 vet Courtnie Galiano will step up to the plate and try to keep up while not being sexied into submission.

Last season's super-ego Will is going to have to pry Debbie Allen off his junk so he can partner up for with season 2's Sarah Behrnhardt impersonator, Heidi. Her solos are to die for, but lets not forget the beautiful park bench: this girl can adapt.

Finally, putting all of the wanna-be bad boys to shame will be the original, season 1's Blake. It may not be some J-Lo MTV dance life whatever, but he could use the exposure. The only female who might be able to temper Blake's big head is fake-haired Lacey Schwimmer. She'll bring it, and she'll have to if she doesn't want to get stuck in the background.

I'm sure someone's favorite didn't make the cut, but guess what? They stink! Hahah!

Oh, and since we're only featuring the best, Cat Deeley will definitely be on hosting duties. That is all.

Feeling very producer-y,

Patrick James

Dear Heaven,

Give them a warm welcome.

Love,
PnI

Dear Bryan Fuller,

Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

I'm so immensely sad after finishing the first new Pushing Daisies since December. Everything about this show was so perfect that I'm just distraught all over again at its cancellation.

Kristin Chenoweth singing Lionel Richie's "Hello" was simply heaven. The forthcoming comic book series courtesy of DC Comics will be a great way to finish up the remaining storylines, but they just won't be the same without the brilliant musical numbers.

Chi McBride, Anna Friel, Swoozie Kurtz, Ellen Greene, Lee Pace and the aforementioned Chenoweth will all be sorely missed when this three-episode reprieve is up. Nothing on television has brought such joy into the living room of my home as this little wonder. I will probably have to scoop up the DVDs when they're released in July only so that I can enjoy this show over and over.

Your mind is a wonder, Mr. Fuller. And while I'd ultimately rather this show went on, I'm glad that Heroes will benefit from your personal loss. Rest assured, fans are mourning with the same passion that you are, because you've made Ned, Chuck and the whole gang feel like our strange little family.

When these remaining episodes are gone, the most unique procedural on network television will go with it. Never before have I believed so truly that it was better to have loved and lost and never to have loved at all. And with the DVDs, I can just go on loving, even if ABC broke my heart.

Unable to laugh without crying,

Patrick James

Dear Kris Allen - American Idol WINNER,

You are AWESOME!!!

In my previous letter to you I talked about how you came out of nowhere and totally demanded my attention. And you kept it throughout the whole competition.

How dare AI write you off. It was painfully obvious that everyone was just waiting for Adam to take the title. I mean even Katy Perry was waving her Adam-Pride flag. You could tell from your face that you knew your fate was sealed. And why wouldn't you? Even the songs that were chosen were geared towards Adam. It was basically the Adam Show and you were just a backup singer. But you persevered... and you won.

Again, the most endearing thing was when the lights went down and the results suspense music started you didn't seem nervous at all. You already knew it wasn't you. You already knew Adam had won. But what you didn't know was how many fans you really have. The look on your face was priceless. It was more sincere then when Megan Joy went home instead of you. It was more sincere than when Danny, an early favorite, went home instead of you. This time.. it was your name that was called and for a very different reason.

So.. way to go! Way to come out of nowhere and take the whole thing. I look forward to everything and anything you do in the coming years.



Love,
Irma

Dear Kara DioGuardi,

You're taking a lot of flack for producing yet another wretched song for the collection of Idol finale stinkers. However, you've also been accused of writing the single worst piece of dribble ever sung by a winner (or runner-up) for their last performance. This, I take issue with.

Don't get me wrong, you've been huge let-down this season. After you're impressive moments during the initial audition phases, including but not limited to the awesomeness of showing Bikini Girl how it's done, you fizzled in a big way. You're insights and opinions are still more valuable than Randy's, but that was never saying much to begin with.

"No Boundaries" is exactly the schlocky, feel-good nastiness we're force-fed about this time every year. The only difference this time, really, is that we've had months to get to know the writer of this song, and that only makes it more unbearable. However, no one can tell me that this uninspired tripe is worse than Taylor Hicks singing "Do I Make You Proud?" or more uncomfortable than hearing Carrie Underwood sing about wanting to be inside someone's heaven.

I dare say, in fact, that the original saccharine solo "A Moment Like This" set the bar pretty low to begin with. We can thank it for all of the warbling, lift-you-up waste that has come since. Only "When You Believe," written by season one alum Tamyra Gray, had any real emotional depth to it. And much of that can be attributed to the performances of its singers, with both season 3 finalists Diana DeGarmo and Fantasia Barrino delivering the goods.

In short, I'd say your mountains and hurricanes are no worse than David Cook's rainbows from last year, and certainly not as bad a fit for the finalists as when Blake Lewis gave up before even starting "This Is My Now." "No Boundaries" is just another in a long, cringe-inducing tradition of clichés strung together to give the winner something to sing when the confetti finally falls. You're no worse than the rest; we just hate you more for failing than the others.



Only had to wiki one of these song titles,

Patrick James

Dear Debbie,

You so crazy!!!


Seriously, last night's episode was like watching your favorite kind-hearted grandma go senile in an hour's time.

Despite your alignment with the supreme ass-hat known as Coach, you were still a person I liked on this season's Survivor. You play an excellent social game, and you never were shown ostrasizing the people in your Tempura tribe that were on the outs. However, after being a little more blunt with Sierra last week than was necessary, your good game was obviously getting to you. You got cocky, and when that happens, people turn on you. That's just a keystone of Survivor!

This week you made the mistake of continuing to align with Coach, who is a total idiot and huge (and bad) liar, despite his claims to the contrary. And when you didn't like what Sierra had to say, you went from likable to downright nutty! That crying jag may make more sense after spending 20 some-odd says in a foreign land relying on people you barely know. Still, to the naked eye, you just looked like a woman who'd flipped her lid.

Subsequent screaming and crying later when Sierra called out your crummy alliance for trying to partner with her against the old Jalapoa erased any and all likability you ever had. Your social game is going up in smoke faster than you can do a backflip or whine about your students. Now you're just another person who can't be trusted, and your attempt to get rid of Coach next week will only undoubtedly seal your fate instead of his.

All of this is really too bad, because Coach is so profoundly annoying, and you were anything but for the first half of the game. But, the best players know how to perform in the clutch, and you're about to prove you're just another Tony Romo, who isn't ready for the pressure of the big-time.

Sending crazy pills to Brazil,

Patrick James

Dear Desperate Housewives,

Once in a season is more than enough. Twice is just a ridiculous waste of my time.

Of course, I'm referring to the stupid flashback vignettes format, used last night to memorialize Edie Brit. The most obvious and annoying thing to be drawn from it's use again, after having been used to shoe-horn in the handyman, was that it tarnishes Edie's "one of a kind" standing, by coupling her with some one-off character of the week. It also forces me to remember the utter crap-titude of making her so desperate as to have sex with him.

Killing off the neighborhood trouble-maker was bad enough, as the rest of these girls have been bland all season, but to remember her in this way was just plain dumb. Several of the stories seemed totally out of character, such as the Bree & Gabby ones, and the Mrs. McCluskey story was just tear-jerking sappy crap. And while Nicollette Sheridan deftly acted her way through the many landmines built into this clunker of an episode, even this saucy swan laid an egg on that scene.

All in all, it seemed like a very disrespectful way to send off both the actress and the character. She was cut for reasons relating to the financial climate in Hollywood more than for story-driven purposes. That alone is understandable, but the manner of death was just insulting. The horrible, uncharacteristically sweet voice-over aside, Edie deserved to at least have her death mean something in the grand scheme of this horrible Dave Williams arc. Hell, it might have finally made it more interesting to start. But the fact is, this was a bad way to bid farewell to the actress who stepped it up big time when Desperate Housewives needed a pinch hitter. Bree was sidelined with baby for a long time, and by far the most interesting developments that whole season involved Edie's relationship with Carlos, and the lengths she'd go to so he'd stay. This was epitomized by her faux-hanging, which truthfully was still a better death than this.

Wrong as it may be, though, it's set in stone (or ashes) now. Just know, Marc Cherry, that this does nothing to make me like Katherine any better, and she will never be the fifth housewife in my mind.

Spitefully,

Patrick James

Dear Sweets,

It's totally Booth! I don't know if I was supposed to take the retitling of your book to Bones - The Heart of the Matter to mean that you believe Brennan is the one who is constantly struggling or not. That said, the new title gave me that exact impression, and you could not be more wrong!

My wife and I watched both Wednesday's special episode and Thursday's regular one back to back last night. While cuing up the second episode, I told Irma that I wonder if we're supposed to believe that they both know they are in love with the other, or if they're both supposed to be oblivious, or if just Brennan is oblivious. My vote was for the last of these options. David Boreanaz plays Booth too well for me not to believe that he is in love with Brennan and doesn't pursue it because he's afraid it would jeopardize the status quo.

I was tickled pink when the very next hour had Gordon telling us that one of them is constantly having to suppress their feelings of love for the other. Huzzah! Success! I knew it was Booth. And while I'm not ready for them to get together and ruin the show (a la Moonlighting, Dawson's Creek, and former lead-out House), I do love that this angle was at least acknowledged.

Now, quick evidence that I am right and Sweets is wrong about it being Brennan.

1) Brennan is always the first to deny a relationship is going on between them when some outsider observes their bond, as in the bridal store. She always denies first, rationally, and emotionlessly.

2) Brennan desires to be more passionate and head-over-heels in love. She would not tell the man she loves that she desires this if she already was and simply had to reject it.

3) One of the funniest things about the show is its premise - emotional person enters world surrounded by logic-driven people, hilarity ensues. It's not that different from The Big Bang Theory here, folks, except for the formulaic procedural aspect that helped it get on the air in the first place. But, back on point. Booth is the fish out of water on the show, not Brennan. He entered her world, and he is the one being logical to meet the needs of her world. If she was the one struggling with her emotions, then she'd just let them out. She'd become a part of his world, and more like the other, less rational squints. It's not interesting to watch her become like everyone else because she has nothing at stake. It's interesting to watch him try to maintain the front that he's like everyone else, when he is really not. If he reveals that he can't be rational enough to avoid a workplace romance, he risks being removed from their world.

All of this is assuming a lot, based only on a grin from Sweets, and the new title of his book at the end of the episode. Nevertheless, I feel that the grin told us that he thinks she's suppressing her connection, and the title change confirms it. But our little death metal-ian is just plain wrong.

Psychoanalytically,

Patrick James

Dear Simon and the Less Helpful Judges,

America got it right. And that means that you got it wrong.

Matt Giraud, while not the worst singer left in the competition, should have gone home last night. Simon, you were absolutely right when you said that he had no chance of winning this competition. Why, then, would you still save him?

I thought this rule was to prevent people like Chris Daughtry from going home. By saving Matt, I have to draw a comparison between the two singers. Chris was the media's favorite and was widely believed to be the most talented person in the running that year. Matt is not the media's or even conservative America's favorite (Adam & Danny, respectively). He's also by no means the most talented person left this year.

I thought it was just a total insult to America to even ask him before passing judgment how many times he's been in the bottom 3. By admitting to having been there twice before, I thought surely his death warrant was signed. It should be obvious that America is not as sold on him as Kara is.

Instead, you're now risking the place of the remaining contestants by using the save on someone undeserving. I understand time was running short to use it, but it really wasn't necessary to use at all. Next week, if Matt ends up safe, we could really lose out on someone good. The most endangered by this save are probably Lil and Anoop, who America still doesn't care for. But if this save means Adam or Danny goes home next week, I'm sure you'll be regretting this dumb move. Sadly, middle-of-the-packers like Kris and Allison could ultimately be the biggest victims, since two contestants will go home next week.

If America can hold it together, Matt will go home next week like he should have this week, and Lil will follow him right out the door, bad hair, big booty and all.

But if not...then I hope that you suffer for this mistake and lose one of your favorites. It'd teach you to trust America more. We've actually gotten it right up to this point. That is to say, not every week was perfect, but we have the seven best contestants left at this point. Now we've just gotta move through the bottom tier of this bunch to get to the top four. And if your save burns out one of those people too soon, at least you'd have no one to blame but yourself. That means Paula, don't you dare whine and tell us we got it wrong next week, because you started it. And we just don't care what you think.

Let down,

Patrick James

Dear Comics Dude from The Big Bang Theory,

There is no freaking way that Jason Todd should be the new Batman over freaking Dick Grayson!

Yes, Dick did go off on his own and create his own person, Nightwing. And while Nightwing never stood entirely out of the bat's shadow, he certainly created his own dark corner within it. Nevertheless, if someone is supposed to take Bruce Wayne's place and keep the legacy alive, it should most certianly be his first and best pupil, the original Robin, Dick Grayson.

Jason Todd was the second, lamer Robin, who was rightfully killed off in perhaps the truest possible meaning of the phrase "Because You Demanded It!" Fans actually voted to have him die, he was that annoying!

And while the "Hush" storyline created the interesting possibility of his being actually alive and angry with Bruce, it should have ended there: just a possibility. He was killed by a sledgehammer, for god's sake! When it was realized, the whole thing fell like a house of cards. Jason Todd has no claim whatsoever to the bat-throne. He should still be a rotting corpse.

If anyone would rival Dick's ascension in any way, I would think it'd be the latest Robin, Tim Drake. And even then, step aside, kiddo! Being Batman is grown-up work, and Dick is the only man for the cowl.

Ultimately, while I don't generally do this, I'm afraid I have to agree with Sheldon. Now get me some herbal tea and back up off of Penny before Leonard has to bust out Sting and go all Frodo on you!

Passionately,

Patrick James

Dear Dragonball: Evolution,

Don't listen to the reviews. I did, and they're pretty rough.

I'm not the kind of fanboy who ever spent any great deal of time digging into the anime classics (the original, Z, or GT). I knew people who loved them, but never really invested the time required to get involved in the stories.

That said, I liked the movie for the most part. It told a pretty straight-forward story that was easily understood, at least as far as Goku was concerned. This is where my personal problem with the movie comes in though. While Goku's story seemed clear enough, Piccolo's was shrouded in mystery that only left me frustrated and, ultimately, with too many questions.

Why was he seeking the dragonballs? My wife told me later that he wanted to be younger, but that doesn't really add up when the prosthetics didn't make him look anywhere near his 2000+ year age. In fact, James's Marsters and the massive plastic chest plate he wore looked quite healthy and invigorated.

Also, how did he escape from the center of the earth, or wherever it was he was being contained by the spell? Surely the magic didn't just wear off. And while the "blood moon" sounds special, it didn't really seem like anything but another eclipse, of which I feel certain there were several during the time he spent trapped. Hell, if you'd watch Heroes, you'd know they come every couple of years and can be seen everywhere on the planet. Duh!

What's that? Solar eclipses aren't quite that common, or globe-encompassing? Well, color me more informed than writers room for Heroes.

But back on task, for all the work that Piccolo actually did in the movie, he wasn't much of a threat. Heck, I may as well have been watching the Fantastic Four get attacked by the Galactus-cloud of doom. His little henchwoman did all the work, while he floated around looking like his lunch wasn't sitting well.

Remember though, I went in basically blind. Then again, maybe that's also why I didn't buy the Bulma/Goofy Asian Dude romance. It kinda came out of nowhere (and that's a problem for a 90 minute runtime). At the very least, I could have used a horrible rom-com montage of clips of them riding tandem bikes and sharing an ice cream cone to the tune of "So Happy Together."

But no. Instead, I got random making out. Making out plus 30% of nothing does not make me want to stick around when the world, and more importantly my life, is being threatened. And I'm not even a generic comedic sidekick...er, I mean thief with a heart of gold. And just saying, but one prototypical character subbed out for another still doesn't make him feel like a unique character that wasn't just conceived during a game of Dungeons and Dragons.

Now, as I said, I enjoyed the movie. I just wished you'd pulled all the elements together a little better. Of course, that's assuming there's more to pull from within the source material. But I just can't believe Dragonball lore would be so popular in the first place if this is all there was.

Harsher than I intended,

Patrick James

Dear Frankie Avalon,

Whenever I see you on TV I expect you to be shirtless and riding a surf board. Even though you're into your wonderful Golden Years. Weird. I know.

Truth be told, I can never hear your song "Venus" and not immediately think about Ami Dolenz walking down the stairs in She's Out of Control. But it makes me love it all the more. I always regard it as one of my favorite songs.

If someone had told me that you were going to be on American Idol doing a guest performance. I wouldn't have believed them. Not in a million years. But then, I would have thought about it... Why shouldn't you be on American Idol?! You ARE an American Idol!! You and Annette were the Zac and Vanessa of your time! These kids would be lucky to follow in your footsteps. I mean even Taylor Hicks got to play "Teen Idol" in Grease, a part you were famous for, and he's the least talented of the bunch!

It was such a relief to have an actual talented recording artist perform on AI. I would rather stab my eyes out with hot pokers than suffer through most of the guest artists on the show.

Thanks for gracing my DVR with your presence.

Love,
Irma

Dear Kal Penn,

THE MOTHER OF ALL SPOILER ALERTS!

I, like many others, was totally floored by your death last night on House. It was a surreal experience, to watch the characters struggle to find the meaning behind what will seemingly remain a mystery. I knew someone would commit suicide on House this season, but I was really caught off guard when it happened this week, and more devastatingly, when it was your Kutner who pulled the trigger.

This morning I realized you were leaving the show to work in Washington DC with the Obama administration. I'm torn about this change of pace for you, though. You're leaving a top-rated show on network TV, one of the few that has held somewhat steady despite the writer's strike. I hope that you're new career path works out for you, since the inclination is a noble one. I'd just hate to see you regret not sticking with this good thing when you had it.

Then again, you've got tons of money in the bank, a recognizable face, a cult hit movie to bring the residuals for years to come, and a passion to serve. What better time to take a chance than during one of the most energizing political moments in history, coupled with the growing number of people needing help and representation? Good for you, and we wish you the best.

Just do me a favor, and don't decide less than a year from now that you don't like politics that much anyways, and join the pilot for some new show. It'd really impair my mourning process.

Simultaneously depressed and inspired,

Patrick James

Dear LOST Writers,

¡SPOILER ALERT!

I just wanted to personally thank you for making my little day with your last episode. As mentioned previously, I love shows that deal with time travel. Lost has definitely fit this bill as of late.

But that's not the reason you made my day. During the final moments of the episode "He's Our You" I was jumping up and down screaming, "Is Ben going to disappear Back To The Future Style!!?" Of course, I would get no such satisfaction. But then, during "Whatever Happened, Happened" as soon as I saw Hurley looking at his hand I knew exactly what was going to be talked about as I started to envision Marty McFly watching his own hand disappear on stage during The Enchantment Under The Sea dance. I can't tell you how excited I was to get a shout-out to...

THE BEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME
AKA
BACK TO THE FUTURE!!!

*ahem* Sorry about that. And the subsequent "time fight" between Hurley and Miles was great. I mean, why ignore the paradox when you just address it.

Pure greatness.

Love,
Irma

Ps. Please, bring back my beloved Desmond soon.

Dear Vote for the Worst,

I love you.

I must start with that simple proclamation before I go forward, because it is the truest thing I can say about you and the fine folks who run your site. I enjoy your post-show analyses, the hilarious little caricatures of your pick each year, and the photoshopped wonders that accompany your features.

However, as I find myself every year, I cannot root for you or your pick to win. Or even advance deep into the competition just for the sake of entertainment. Hell, I hated Megan from the first warble that I can recall, during Hollywood week, right until the last dung-heap of a performance was plopped out last night. America never chose her to the in the Top 13; the judges, and particularly her champion, Simon Cowell, took care of that for her. Even after her abysmal performances in the Semifinals and Wild Card rounds!

Still, I've been following almost daily to see what antics you'd come up with to describe her, as well as the other contestants and the judges, how you'd summarize the great waste of time that is an America Idol results show, and basically just laugh my ass off all the way. Year in and year out, I take the greatest pleasure in your snide and horrible (though usually just cruelly honest) sentiment about America's top rated show.

But do I ever actually vote for the worst? No, I don't. The show is generally uninspiring enough that I don't bother voting at all, but if I do take the time and effort to reach out and dial, it is always for whatever legitimately impressed me. Somewhere deep within, I really do want the best people to win, and I can't handle purposefully leading someone on into believing they are more beloved than they are. Or worse, watch someone like Megan know that they are the worst, know that they are advancing solely because they are the worst (that caw caw-ing last night sounded like a shout-out to me!) and then having them rub it in the faces of people who care about singing talent. It just rubs me wrong.

I look forward to your next choice (I'm voting for Scott!), but I will testify now that my vote belongs with the good performances, or nowhere at all. This confession is painfully, because of my love for the things you do, but it too is just the painful truth.


Owning up,

Patrick James

Dear Life on Mars,

Heading into your series finale, I have to let you know this: I've lost interest.

I tried, believe me. My wife loves time-travel (Quantum Leap and Back to the Future being the most prominent), so we tuned in eagerly to watch when you debuted in the fall. Even after word of your cancellation came down, we remained excited that at least the big mystery of how and why Sam went back in time would be answered.

At this point though, I could care less. It's going to feel more like an after-thought to the show, something I think of right after Michael Imperioli's righteous hair/'stache combo, and the underwhelming return of Lisa Bonet (and Gretchen Mol, for that matter).

Around the time that you slot-switched to Wednesdays, you seem to have abandoned focus. The last three episodes or so have been especially strange. I swear, even Lost is not this confusing, with the moving island/time travel/smoke monster thing taken into account. I had to actually rewatch the first 10 minutes of the last episode just to figure out what the hell was going on. And ultimately, it was not worth my 20 minutes.

I'll be sad to see you go, since Jason O'Mara is a pretty talented guy, and the rest of the ensemble is strong as well, but I just find myself feeling empty about the whole thing. If love's opposite is indifference, then I'm afraid we're as far from being in love as can be.

I'll tune in for your final episode, but more out of my stupid sense of obligation to see the series through to the end than because I'm still engaged. Perhaps this send-off will be just what the doctor ordered, and will serve up a helping of what the show always promised to be, but I'm afraid it'll be too late for me by then. As regards this show, I'm already terminal.

Flatlining,

Patrick James

Dear Marvel Comics,

I know that you've heard a lot of commentary on your price increases on certain "premium" titles of your line, but that doesn't mean you're not going to get another opinion...Because You Demanded It!

Now I'm aware that the people who's names we recognize like Joe Quesada and Axel Alonso and the like aren't really involved in the prices that their books sell for, they just edit the content. No ill will directed at the editorial staff, or the writers and artists on the books that received the price-gouging either. This is for the marketing (or whichever department is directly responsible) crew that decided it was more worthwhile to hang on to low performers than to cut their losses and move on.

I realize that every book has it's hundred of thousands of fans, even the ones that are not doing so well. And while it makes me sad when I book that I enjoy gets canned, as happened with my beloved Mystique so long ago, I believe culling the weak is for the best. That right, Marvel; I'm saying you should treat your business according to the Apocalypse's Guide to Management (and Mutants). Only the fittest can survive, which means that much-loved low performers should be culled to make way for the better sellers. And while I realize this means parting ways with the Runaways, it's really gone down-hill fast in the last year anyways.

This purging of the lowest sellers has been the business model at Marvel for years and years, so the change to this new technique is both unexpected and unappreciated, at least by this fan. I didn't have to like it when Hawkeye or Mystique were canceled, but I understood why it needed to happen.

Instead, you've jacked up your cover prices on ten of the twenty-one Marvel titles that I'm currently buying. Since this was explained as a move to boost the threshold books like Captain Britain & MI:13, I have to say I don't care for it. With the prices on so many of my books going up permanently by May, I have promptly dropped two of those ten from my pull list. When the five mini-series that make up my current intake are gone, I'll see to it they are not replaced also. This'll leave only New Avengers, Thor and Runaways with a regular $3.99 price tag in my reading. Please note that this means that instead of gaining an extra $10 from me every month, you'll be losing $7.

Runaways is particularly perplexing, as it should be one of the bubble-books protected by the increase on these other, highly performing titles, but I'm sure someone could explain that one to me as something else entirely. Still, if it ends up on the cancellation line, as I feel certain it will without a creative invigoration, I'll be down to just two, and maybe even one. I can buy the trades on some of these books, though I'm sure they will increase proportionately as well. In the end, all you're doing to this reader is forcing me to do what the economy is encouraging me to do anyways: spend less money.

It's too bad for freshly debuting titles like Spider-Woman and Dark Avengers that are going to get to start out with the $3.99 tag, because I don't see interest sticking around while there's plenty of quality reading down in the $2.99 range. Spider-Woman fans will find Ms. Marvel and Dark Avengers will find Mighty, and so on. Good luck to both of them, but you really should have known better.


Thanks for sparing most of the X-line and the cosmic titles, for now, since they'll make up the new core of my reading. Heck, maybe Nova will even get a bump from people ditching Captain America (a very fine book) to pick up something of equal quality for a fairer price.

Hopefully this experiment will be short-lived, and there will be much apologizing and reinstating of lower prices. But, I'm sure the greedy folks in the corporate offices would never allow that to happen, so I'll just dwindle until I'm just following along with the online recaps. So long, monthlies!

Despondently,

Patrick James

Dear Rihanna,

I want to personally thank you for getting back with Chris Brown. Way to show the girls and young women of the world how to act responsibly in an adult relationship.

What's better than to let someone bludgeon your face then to maintain your relationship with them so that they could possibly do it again? I mean that shows your true love for the man (I use the word "man" loosely), and your commitment.

We've all known Tina and Ike, and God knows we all love Tina! I mean, maybe (and probably) from all this you'll get your own made for TV movie! And even maybe they'll take some artistic licenses and let the actor playing Chris Brown beat the actress playing you with an umbrella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh..

Let's not forget to mention all the magazine sales you are responsible for. I mean this economy is tough. We need people like you to do completely stupid things so we can talk about them. I mean I wouldn't even be writing this blog (p.s. click a link! mama needs a new handbag)! And don't forget the people coming out of the woodwork to offer you FREE relationship advice! I mean people pay good money for that and they're just throwing it at you! You're so genius!

So many happy returns, Rihanna! May your remaining days with your loved one be as full of happiness and glee as the previous times have been. Maybe next time you'll just show up to the awards ceremony post-attack so we can see the extent of your love for each other. How nice.

Love,
Irma

Dear Heroes,

When is the last time you've seen a geek? Really, I know that you go to conventions and promote your show in various ways that would require you to meet your audience and perhaps even a comic book shop employee here and there. Let me assure you, in case you are all blind, they do not look like this.



While I can appreciate the need to cast attractive people on TV, I think it's a little absurd that this guy even my wife thinks is hot was cast as a LCS worker (that's "Local Comic Shop for those not in the know). Especially because he was then required to be shot without a shirt on, thereby emphasizing his hotness (something devoid of the average LCS outside of the books themselves).

Also, how about we not use him to tie another love story down to Claire? Does no one remember the West Debacle of season 2? Rest assured in your writers room that we do, and we have not forgiven. The only love story we're interested in seeing between Claire and her uncle (in fact, strike that one too, and teach the actors not to give googly eyes to each other; they're related, for God's sake!).

So, while I hope for the best for Aqualad and his useless power, I'm sure he only serves as cannon fodder to shore up some future doubt Claire might have about being a hero or fighting the good fight, or blah blah blah. It's all basically the same story over and over again with a few recasts each time, but hey, that's one of the things people like about their comics (and comics-related TV) in the first place.

In summation, ditch the love story, fry the fish, and the next time cast someone working at a comic book shop, which I'm sure will be soon, since we've featured them heavily of late, try avoiding someone with a six-pack. It just stretches the imagination too far.

Realistically,

Patrick James

Dear Kris Allen,

I'm hoping you don't "change your ways." Unless it involves changing that weird sideways jaw thing you do when you go for the big note.

Way to go, Mr. Outta-Nowhere Contestant! I sat at home watching the Wednesday night show and when they introduced you Patrick and I turned to each other and said in unison, "Who?" I was ready to forget you. I'm pretty sure America was ready to forget you. Then we heard what you were going to sing, Man in the Mirror by THE Michael Jackson. I immediately thought out loud, "Oh man, this guy's a goner for sure." Especially right on the heels of Stephen Fowler's blunder while trying to take on the King of Pop. You remember Paula saying that "you don't touch" any of his songs. This is probably my favorite Michael Jackson song so you already had two strikes against you in my book.

But then, Mr. Allen, you sang.

I pretty much watched you with my jaw resting on my lap. And I couldn't wait to hear what the judges would say.

Forget what Kara said! I'm sure she was just following suit of the disasters that preceded your performance. Yours was definitely not any such thing. I fully agreed with the three O.G. judges when they said you nailed it.

Last night there was something very endearing about the way you were so seemingly sad to see that it would come down to you and Megan Corkery. It was like you looked at her and "knew" your fate was sealed because of how much all four judges liked her. I personally didn't vote for her because I thought she was boring and that weird semi-Chubby Checker style twist was completely annoying. I had faith America would think so too.

So way to go! And for not listening when they basically said DON'T sing Michael! But I bet by that time it was too late anyway.

Ps. If I could offer one bit of advice... Stop that jaw thing. It's weird.

Love,
Irma

Dear Kayne West,

I will bring this blog the indignity of mentioning your name just this once to say a few simple words:

SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

I'm sure you think it's cute or funny to say whatever comes to your pint-sized mind. But I'm sure the Grammy committee didn't really think it was funny of you to introduce Best New Artist with commentary about how you were never nominated for that particular award. Haven't they kissed your ungrateful ass enough by awarding you with prize after prize and providing you an outlet to perform live? Thank God they were smart enough to refrain from booking you to "sing" something from your new album. We were all spared.

The only thing that would be worse is if you were just being dead serious. This is annoyingly plausible, since you're an infamous ass. This would make you immensely pompous, to decide that you need to interrupt your script to throw in some commentary dissing the very people who invited you to perform and speak.

I hope that you someday get the rude awakening that is so due to you. You are the poorest role model imaginable. I would go so far as to say that you make Britney Spears look like an ideal aspiration. You encourage a generation of self-entitled young people to be even more self-involved, as well as rude, talentless and disrespectful at every possible turn. It's really a shame that you're still famous.

So, that's all I've got for you today, and hopefully this will be the last time I ever have to type your name.

Wishing bad things on you (Kayne, not the readers of this blog),

Patrick James

Dear X-Men Editors,

STOP IT WITH THE MINI-SERIES ALREADY!!!

As a fan in a tough economic time, I can't stand that you keep putting out so many freaking mini-series for me to follow.

Fortunately, I'm not a big Wolverine fan, just an X-Men fan in general, so I'll skip all of his solo minis outright. Still, this month that meant that I have purchased Worlds Apart, X-Infernus, Manifest Destiny and Kingbreaker. The only reason I skipped Ghost Boxes is because I can't understand what the hell is happening in Astonishing X-Men in the first place.

What's even more upsetting is that excluding only Manifest Destiny, all of these stories could have been told in the main books. And they would all have been better than what is happening in the main books right now! Instead, you're asking me to spend an additional $3.99 each for what should have been in Uncanny anyways instead of the S&M-tastic return of Madelyne Pryor.

We the fans deserve to know what's been happening since "The Rise and Fall of the Shi'Ar Empire" to the characters who were abandoned at the story's end without having to pick up two mini-series with a third looming on the horizon in War of Kings. We deserved some followup to "Quest for Magik" that didn't involve buying something extra.

It wouldn't burn so incredibly badly in my wallet if the quality of these books was not so much higher than that of the core books. Worlds Apart felt like a story that would have been told in the eighties had circumstances been the same, and it would have been right in Uncanny. So what if it sidelines a few other characters for an arc? That's what happens in a team dynamic!

I'm just asking for a slowdown to the number of stories being published because it's obvious a streamlining will help in quality. These contained stories seem to be infinitely more fascinating. Not to mention that, in recent memory, these mini-series seem to be more germinating to the next crop of creators than what's happening in the ongoing books. The core books, now that there are three of them, should be plenty of space to tell the stories that need to be told.

So, I'm sure you'll advertise three new mini-series tomorrow and totally ignore this post, but know that at some point, my budget is going to give and something is getting dropped *coughAstonishingcoughLegacycough*.

Broke,

Patrick James

Dear Academy of Motion Pictures, aka Oscars, aka People who Suck,

I don't even begin to know where to begin raining down my fury. Your nominees were announced yestereday morning. All I could think as I sat and watched was, "they really just don't care if people watch or not."

I'm all for being snooty and superior just for the sake of it, but it doesn't serve ABC very well when you don't nominate a single bank-breaking movie in a major category. And no, Supporting Actor does not count as a major category. In fact, it's usually the first or second award given out. So no credit for including Heath and Robert Downey, Jr. for you.

It hurts to see The Dark Knight overlooked for both direction and picture, but I can't honestly say I'm surprised. It's a genre film, and they don't fair well with people who only like to witness the Holocaust tragedies over and over again in their Best Pictures.

To be fair, I admit to being a little underwhelmed when I finally saw The Dark Knight, but it was very late in its theatrical run, so I decided I was just hyped too much by what I was reading. And since I haven't actually seen any of the movies that did get nominated for Best Picture, I guess I can't really be too upset about that. In fact, I'll probably enjoy that arrangement more eventually, since I'll spend the Saturday before the ceremony watching all the Best Picture nominees in a bladder-bursting marathon at my local AMC.

Still, I can't forgive you for deciding that the ceremony need not be watched by the ignorant masses. I like that you have taste, and would honestly prefer you maintain it. But, throwing Wall-E or The Dark Knight or something with some cha-ching at the box office probably would have helped with the Nielsens. Especially with ratings sagging across the board, and for your yearly gathering every year since Titanic. So, you didn't have to let it win, but giving a big-money movie a major nod somewhere could have helped tremendously.

So, just to be straight, not angry with your selections in general, since I've seen maybe four movies this year and I knew House Bunny was never going to make it. Just mad you've sabotaged yourselves again with the general public and decided to eventually give up and move to E! where I'll be forced to watch Kim Kardashian (aka Huge Ass, aka that other bitch famous for making a sex tape) interview Meryl Streep on the finer points of shimmying. For shame, Academy. I'd like to thank you not.

Whinily,

Patrick James

Dear Ralph Macchio,

Thank you for stepping out of the woodwork to publicly "lash out" at these stupid Hollywood film makers for continually RUINING films of old by "remaking" them.

I was first appalled when I heard there was going to be a live action Scooby Doo movie. I was even more enraged when I found out who the stars were going to be... And Linda Cardellini as VELMA?! She was/is far too attractive to be my favorite star of that cartoon! Velma was like me.. Short, awkward, unfashionable. But kudos to Ms. Cardellini for stickin' to her guns and getting the Dorothy Hamill wig. Nevertheless, I refused to have anything to do with that movie. It was my silent boycott of taking something I loved and pissing all over it.

I was equally disturbed recently when I heard about the Fraggle Rock live action movie. I have three letters for that.. W-T-F. Seriously? The list of things wrong with this is longer than I would ever want to transcribe in this meger blog.

And now... Ooooh Hollywood, now you've done it. You're remaking The Karate Kid?! How could you! How could you even think about it! Pat Morita is probably spinning in his tiny grave at the thought. How will a young Jayden Smith's character ever work on Mr. Miyagi's house enough to get an old-school (amazing!) car? How will he ever go on a date with the girl from the valley and be cast aside because he's from Recita? And what about the best part of the movie when Mr. Miyagi has to save Daniel from the group of guys that are savagly beating him after the Halloween party? How will that look like anything but some guy assalting some kids? Unless you condone that kind of thing. For shaaaaame, Hollywood!!

In an interview with MTV.com, you said:

"It feels pretty good that some people are pretty angry that they're trying to remake The Karate Kid. It feels good that the public feels you don't touch certain things. Some times you go back to that, and probably shouldn't.

From my personal view, the filling the void of what Mr. Miyagi was - and the magic of that character - is going to be the toughest task. I (also) don't know where the romantic story-arc goes (with Smith's Daniel) at that age.. "

Thank you, Daniel-son.

Love,
Irma

Ps. Hollywood, if you ever touch Back to the Future. I'll cut you.

Dear Midseason TV,

Welcome back! And for the few newcomers I'm interested in, you'd better live up to the high standard set by the existing grouping of January programming.

Some of these shows have already debuted, such as Superstars of Dance, True Beauty and Momma's Boys. Each of these shows seemed promising, if only for the trainwreck/entertainment factor. Sadly, each has disappointed and been either maddenly dumb, or just plain boring thus far. Promos for True Beauty show potential for promise, but I'd give up on the other two if I were the kind of person who could do that midstream. As it is, I'll probably not return for a second season (though ratings indicate neither is a sure bet for a sophomore outing at all).

Upcoming things to look forward to still include some Joss Whedon love, in the form of his new show Dollhouse, starring Faith--er, Eliza Dushku as a cross between Alias's Sydney Bristow and a fembot. Also, Firefly and Serenity alum Nathan Fillion stars in the Bones-esque procedural Castle. Both of these shows sound pretty enjoyable on the surface, but the total lack of commercials for both makes me a little nervous about their quality. Especially given the shooting of a new pilot for Dollhouse and it's lameduck programming slot on Friday nights paired with underperforming Sarah Connor Chronicles, this show seems destined for a short run if it doesn't catch on quick. Fillion alone should lift up the humor factor on Castle, but the premise is going to need some serious hook to compete with the existing oversaturation of procedural dramas. Hopefully, it'll work out for him though.

The biggest news of the January TV premieres are the returning shows. While these other shows are/were unknown quantities, some of the most anticipated shows air only in the spring.

I'm ecstatic to hear that American Idol was tweaking it's first several weeks this season, eliminating the endless nights of horrible performances and overconfident hacks in place of showing actually talented performers. The first half of Idol was always the part that appealed to me the least, and I'd actually skip it if I wasn't so interested in seeing the complete journey of the people I'll eventually get to vote for (though I imagine I'll be uninspired to actually vote, as I have been ever since Chris Daughtry was given the boot and Taylor Hicks went on the win in the shows biggest farce of a season ever.) I also love that Hollywood week will be extended, as it was my favorite part of the debut season of the show, and that the wildcard round is being brought back, as it proved effective with both RJ Helton (who placed 5th in season 1) and Clay Aiken. This is an opportunity to give someone good a second chance to prove themselves after stumbling earlier in a high-pressure situation.

Medium is a small show that I used to describe as "the sign you know you're a 50+ year old woman." However, during the writers strike last January, this is a show that my wife and I fell in love with. I love the sci-fi premise with the procedural/family drama mixed in. Since last season was really short, I didn't get a full flavor of the show, but it was enough to whet my appetite for more in the weeks to come.

But the two biggest shows coming back for me are 24 and Lost, and I couldn't feel more differently about the two of them. 24 is the show I used to LOVE and watch every week religiously, even during my busiest college days. However, it didn't air at all last year and the year before that, I actually lost interest in the show in about hour 6, and never saw the end of the season widely dissed as the worst in the show's history. Lost, however, was the show I dismissed right away, without ever watching, as someone annoying and short-lived, that I didn't have time to invest in. Last year, as a result of this same writers strike, I decided to give the first season a shot. Roughly a year later, I'm completely hooked on this show and find myself compelled to watch every moment as soon as possible. They won't exactly be competing with each other since they air on different nights, but I find myself only really wanting to invest in my new love, perhaps casting Jack Bauer aside. A single lingering desire to watch 24 rests in the casting of Janeane Garofalo. She's a great treat to see in mostly anything, and I can't wait for her dry, bitchy bite to dig in at CTU.

Even though my wife finds Lost's Kate to be more annoying than Momma's Boy's Mrs. B, I'm anxious to get back to the island, I'll be counting the days until I find out whether she gets to keep Aaron, or he goes back to his spontaneously insane birth-mother Claire. And I can't get enough of this January TV...except for you, Michael Flatley.

Excited,

Patrick James

Dear DTV,

While I appreciate the government making some bizarre attempt to improve the quality of my at-home entertainment, I smell a conspiracy here.

 

I have two TVs in my house: one in my living room with a DVR box attached to it, and another in my bedroom that I use predominantly to watch DVDs and the news as I'm getting ready in the morning.  With DTV rolling in just a short month away, I'll be unable to watch even my local news without some more hardware invading my house.

 

You see, the options seem to be immensely limiting in regards to adjusting to this new technological requirement.  I can either go and buy a converter box, or contact my local cable provider and buy another box from them.  Obviously, the government has conspired with Time Warner to make certain that I pay them an extra $10 for a second DVR box.  I mean, that really is the only option, after all.  Why would anyone go and buy a converter box when you could just extend the cable package you're already got?  Even with the coupons, I'm not remotely interested in putting a big reminder of how old and decrepit my TV is right next to it atop my dresser.

 

So, I hope the Washington bigwigs who decided to meddle in my TV watching life are going to get a cut from the cable companies.  And it better be a sweet cut, too, for all the dough I'm sure they've had to fork out on annoying commercials endlessly reminding me that I'll need another box just to enjoy the news.

 

The real tragedy about the whole conspiracy though is the net result it will have on my free time.  With two DVR boxes in my house, I'll be even more likely to entrench myself in my DVR glut.  Not only can I setup the main box in the living room for my first-rate, must-watch shows like Lost or Heroes, but now I can setup the backup box to record third and fourth shows in an hour, meaning more room for stuff I would otherwise have been able to convince myself to avoid like the ever alluring Dancing with the Stars (guilty pleasure sometimes, just plain annoying always).  So, if I disappear sometime in Febraury never to be seen from again, and wither away into a horrible husk of my former self until I perish in front of a Shear Genius marathon, I want the vigilante justice taken out on the US government.

 

Always an eye on the future,

 

Patrick James